welcome home.

i need to make the trek to u village pretty soon and pick up art supplies at the bookstore, i.e. a few canvases and paint. all i can think about these days is moving into my own place. i'm nowhere near my financial goal at this point but that was over by about 4 or 5 grand, so i still have enough to get by. i'm .5 seconds away from buying a 50" plasma screen tv.. totally unnecessary, but i've never been extravagant so i'm deeming it as ok.

i'm really going to use a lot of discretion in choosing my next apartment.. i want hardwood floors, a cool view- preferably of the water, which i miss like crazy- somewhere where i can walk to work and to friends' houses, modern yet very comfortable, all appliances working as opposed to my apartment right now where our dryer hasn't had a heating coil for about 3 or 4 weeks [grrr], and most of all just to have alone time. i NEVER get alone time unless i close the bar and no one's awake anymore. i guess i don't understand how at least one of us is home all the time..

i need to start walking to work like joe. get away from even the people watching activities on the bus. i can actually have secrets that other people don't observe because they live with me, where they don't hear any news in my life at the same time i do. moral of the story, i want privacy when i need it- and i am NOT a very private person. if i want to run around naked, i will be able to come mid-july or august.

i'm not sure where exactly i want to live: capital hill, eastlake, south lake union, waterfront... but those 4 areas are sounding the most appealing as of this point. close to downtown yet removed enough for me. the water aspect of it all is becoming more and more of a priority the more i think about it. i can just imagine sitting on my balcony or standing and just staring at the water with a cup of coffee.

i'm a huge list person, so i'm making a wish list of things i would ideally, although expensively, have for my new apartment:

+ that 50" plasma screen

+ king sized bed so my feet won't hang off once in my life

+ new bedding

+ sectional couch

+ a plant :)

i'm assuming when i acquire the bed, if at all, will be later on but a girl can dream, can she not?

i always have a mixed reaction when people encourage me to not focus too closely on money. part of me is like well yeah, obviously don't let it consume you, blah blah blah, but the other half says why not? i'm the type of person who enjoys spoiling friends, being in a position where i'm able to help if needed, and just feeling secure in the fact that i earned for myself financial security as a result of a series of good decisions. but enough of further proving that i am a walking contradiction.

give me a break.

i am being resented for being good with my money.

i just think you think you're better than everyone.

what? you really feel like that?

when it comes to money, yeah, i do.

sounds tame and harmless enough, but at the time it was probably the most hurtful thing that could have been said considering the circumstances and all the shit that has gone down. a

for the first 2 months of our lease, 2 out of 4 of us were getting payday loans every paycheck. i was in a position where i was able to help out, so i begged them to borrow money from me so they would have a chance to catch up without being charged up the ass with interest rates and whatnot. i have paid all 3 of their rent portions, 1 on more than one occasion, only asking to be paid back when they could. i purchase the majority of the groceries, so the other day i suggested that someone else could buy them this time and i'd be totally fine with it..

que resentment.

i come home the other night to find one of them drunk, and the other 2 busy playing wii. i come to find later that they had just had a heated discussion about what a money-hungry bitch i was, and some fairly shitty things were said. and then as soon as the light bill is brought up, which is outrageous, i'm told that it has not been paid because i have not written a check. because I have not written a check, really?

everyone i talk to tells me to break my lease and move out. everyone. it's so tempting but i wouldn't screw them over like that. i am never home on purpose because i hate being there. i guess i'll keep the cheap rent and just never be there... you can bet your ass though that i'm done buying groceries.

the hair of the dog.

thinking about what might have been lost, i choose to lose it. you simply cannot create something that does not exist. i continue stand correct thus far on the issue of the severity of putting logic before emotion, as a typical aquarius does. emotions, i have come to find, are an equivalent to alcohol. all logic goes out the window because you are now being led by a substance that should not, despite various cliche sayings such as "follow your heart", be making your decisions for you.

no.

alcohol knows no logic. your heart knows no logic. trust me. my employee appreciation party was this past wednesday, before which i downed a half of a fifth of jameson from the bottle via a straw. when one of my bartenders arrived at the party, i was apparently humping a speaker. tell me the idiot that says one can be logical under the complete influence of alcohol, and let them try and drink me under the table. we'll talk after the 2-day hangover and re-assess.

back to my point: i guess i'm just realizing more and more that there is less and less of a reason for me not to be guarded. i would love to be able to take people for their word and assume the appropriate actions would follow, but i cannot. i don't want to think of how many times i have been guilty of the same, but i see so many people around me succeed at this whole game of falling in love and i, for the life of me, cannot walk myself logically through those steps to be able to justify it.

besides my relentless brain working overtime, i've been helplessly in overtime for the past month straight at work. i just got a promotion [yay] and now have over 10 positions to clock in under. my manager just laughs at me. he grills the shit out of me, but we're cool. i can't wait until i never have to work at a restaurant again. i want to write, i want to design, to draw, and take pictures and work with developers while pouring all of my time into this screen.

moral of the story, i am in desperate need of social interaction outside of work, and therefore less time to analyze.

karma.

i'm back in seattle after being in portland for a few days for christmas. my living room smells of mildew instead of baked goods like the home i just left does, dishes are scattered about the entire house after sitting there for who knows how long, and the groceries that i bought are now gone. i'm just so ready to move out and get my own place. it's funny, we all knew before we moved in that we didn't exactly keep a "tidy" house before. i'm not sure how it came to the point where we all completely let it go- not just the house, but almost a complete disrespect for the fact that each one of us lives 3 other people. everyone deals with things in their own way. shannon cleans every once and a while but lets everyone know that he's not happy about it, harrison does it most often out of either boredom or housewife instinct, joe may or may not clean when asked and other wise not at all as to not appease the rest of our passive aggressive suggestions that he should do it sometime before the lease ends, and i am either the one to clean up after when we have groups of people or after myself. any way you look at it, it doesn't leave anyone necessarily happy about the situation.

i'm just tired i guess. i'm a pretty easy-going person to live with i feel. sure i might not enjoy cooking or cleaning [at all] but i like to think i make up for it with my presence alone. kidding.

i like to spoil my friends, make sure thy have the time of their lives and laugh their asses off in the process. if someone needs something, i like them to know i can either be there or get it for them. call it 'needing to be needed' or whatever you want, but it just makes me happy doing it. would i appreciate someone reciprocating the favor? absolutely, but i don't expect it. i try to not expect anything lest i not be disappointed. however, i've decided i need to be [i would say a little, but i need to start with being so initially...] selfish.

for example, i want an apartment with hardwood floors, pretty appliances and matching dishes, a couple massive pieces of art to provide the majority or color, a sectional couch, a 47" flat screen tv, and ceiling-to-floor windows with curtains. and i want it all for myself. if i leave the lights on when i leave for the weekend, it's my fault that the electricity bill is higher than it should be. plain and simple. i'm not particularly keen on sharing responsibility with 3 other people. bills don't get paid on time because no one can manage their money unless the fairy godmother steps in and pays someone's share with no inclination of when/if she'll be paid back. i love them, like, LOVE them. i just need to live with someone on the same page as i am, aka myself.

it will be good for me, a true test of responsibility and work ethic. i'll be forced to live according to what i can and cannot afford for the very reason that i don't have anyone to split anything with. i crave the challenge. my goal is to have at least $5,000 saved up by the end of my lease. even that i hope to exceed. $10,000 would be ideal, and i know i can do it if i truly set my mind to it. no more tipping my bartenders 150% just because "i love them" and hope to someday have karma come back and help me in that arena. it never does. no more offering to treat friends to endless drinks just because i want them to be involved in the fun. it's time to be selfish and fend for myself, because i have yet to meet someone to return the favor. i will continue to give and give and give, and be there and be there and be there, but if what goes around truly comes around, i'll pace myself for the next lap.

the trees are finally naked, lining the icy streets as mere skeletons, providing an invisible shelter from the frigid seattle air. the rays of sunlight hit the pavement at 5 or so in an orange fury, anxious to sink beneath the surface of the sound. who knows if there's telling when we'll meet again. my skin longs for natural warmth the sun just cannot give me.

winter has brought her usual antics, imposing a sense of white noise i can't block out. it's time for movement despite the inclination to hibernate.

woods.

i love waking up to coffee. i just bought a coffee maker and seeing as i've been awake since 8:30, it's necessary. [i go to bed after 4am on a daily basis].

i've been in a funk lately, that i haven't been able to shake. for me, that is rare. i can't remember a time i felt depressed or something and someone wasn't able to make me laugh and therefore forget what was going on. this was just an intense fog that i wasn't even aware of for the most part, if it hadn't been for people asking me what was wrong with me or why i was in such a bad mood then i would have just thought of it as "meh, whatevs i'm fine."

if you haven't before, listen to bon iver. i was laying in bed, refusing to move and i had my headphones in. lil wayne wasn't really overwhelming me with the relaxing feeling i was going for, so i put on "woods" and just laid there, completely still. it's one of the most peaceful, soothing songs ever. there are only 2 lines to the whole song.

i'm up in the woods, i'm down on my mind.

i'm building a still, to slow down the time.

i'm excited to go home for thanksgiving. time will slow down considerably, i'll get to spend time with the fam and i can truly relax. i don't really have any friends in portland so i won't get cabin fever like i normally do. my desktop is currently a sepia photograph of the main drag in palm springs. sigh, nostalgic. i can't wait until i can save up enough to go on a vacation! palm springs probably wouldn't be my first choice, but i miss the sun and just the familiarity of being able to go somewhere when i need to get away.

oh, being able to escape. i can't wait.

glass mask.

have i ever told you i feel sorry for you?

you talk constantly of killing yourself and loving anyone who will have you more than the person you actually say 'i love you' to. i wish i knew why you were hurting enough to sacrifice your dignity. i really do. being depressed is one thing, but to combine that with such arrogance and this self-professed title of 'the shit', you might as well be hiding behind a glass door. and this glass door- is open.

aren't you exhausted from putting up this facade nonstop? you now hate yourself beyond your ability to bear it, yet you remain too proud to change anything whatsoever in your life. congratulations, you have made everyone in your life expendable sans the people who benefit your life. and more congratulations to you, this time for acknowledging that you failed.

i'm sorry, i really am. it just would have been nice if i hadn't been one of those people you deemed less than the people causing you to hate yourself. so thanks.