chaotic bliss.

Here are some examples for one of my logo and t-shirt design projects. The client wanted an urban appeal with a hip hop vibe, so I went with a chaotic yet controlled feel. This is just a screen shot of two ideas for business cards and a typographic-inspired t-shirt design at the top left (click to enlarge). Courier is one of the few standard fonts with a fixed width, and I am a big fan regardless, so it seemed a charming fit for my idea. Enjoy!

note to self:

sometimes i have to be reminded that i have one of these so i can non-verbally get out whatever is in my head. i've been thinking, and as much as i want to get out of the restaurant business and pursue a design career, i feel as if it's almost an abusive relationship. business hasn't been great so the money's barely decent, but i seem to find excuses for not leaving. number one is the fact that i have nothing lined up, also i love the people i work with, have insurance through there, and i know once fall hits i'll be making $300 a night (umm, bomb?!).

but i don't want to be a cocktailer when i'm 30- note to self: just move in with mom and dad if that's the case, you can't sink much lower- i want to have the fulfillment of accomplishment, and soon. i've taken a recent interest in marketing, and i think that i'd be pretty darn good and it too. either that or business management. communicating a message with efficiency and success. i feel that at this point i'd actually enjoy going back to school, although unless my grampa wants to fork over another $120,000 for me alone to go back to school, i don't see that happening. a lot of people accomplish positions like those without that specific major though, so i'm optimistic.

lately at work i've been sporting quite the shitty attitude. why? because not only am i frustrated that my educated self is still cocktailing, but things are run in any way besides efficiently, and overall it's losing me money. i like being "in the know" and although i know i am in no position to be privy to such knowledge, i can't understand the logic behind decisions i feel are ridiculously stupid without an explanation. i ask "why" quite a bit. after talking it through with my mangers, i received a tiny bit of information/affirmation, and feel worlds better. that's all i needed.

so my dilemma is this: in order to go on in my quest for more than the restaurant industry, do i settle for a low-end design job and consider it entry-level? or do i see if i can do a more acceptable design job where i can participate in marketing ploys and hang out at the good ol' 3D for another year possibly? i don't want another serving job, although i might need to get one if money doesn't pick up soon. i am passionate about cocktails themselves. tommy is the biggest booze geek i know and it's interesting going to different places together and trying new cocktails and spirits neither of us have heard of. it's awesome actually, and while i am in the industry, i intend on being the best.

i want a car. i want to be able to drive down to portland, see whit, spend time with my family more, even go and visit my sisters or friends for the afternoon across town without having to take 36 buses. cool place just opened up in bellevue? not going to go because of that reason. sad. i guess it all comes down to what is going on in my life right now that i can think of that makes me happy. tommy's great- although sometimes it's hard to see through our differences and remember that we have a complete blast together, natalie has become one of my best friends and has been a constant, joe and i have become closer especially since i moved up to the hill, i LOVE living on the hill, and while my house is constantly messy, that just means that we had friends over. so yea, i guess when you think about it life- even for the moment- isn't that bad. the rest will all fall into place. again, it's just frustrating because i'm just not "in the know" quite yet.

i guess you could call this untitled.

i am not really sure what i think, which is rather strange for me. it isn't that i think for the most part that i have everything together, however it may just be that i'm not used to having my judgment clouded. that seems to be my predicament overall throughout the past 7 days. it's all too easy to assume that you have control of any certain situation- until you consider the second party (damn that second party and their opinions and whatnot...)

i mean, since when did they have feelings that are all of a sudden relevant via Bon Iver? it sin't that i necessarily feel blindsided, but that's where my logic is concluding where my current state of emotion and logic are dueling at one another. i will not doubt that i have made decisions that have gone against my better judgment due to my empathetic personality, as well as will, to make people better- but i refuse to blame it on some sort of want "to fix people." i mean sure, i find a great joy in being a very influential figure in any single person's progress or epiphany that leads them toward personal success or growth, but that i feel is because i have this sick expectation for someone to play that role if they happen to see those "symptoms" in myself. if i am acting like a dick, asshole, insecure-driven obsessor, i would want someone to care enough to verbally slap me in the face (or would i?) and let me know what is going on beyond my blinded, and therefore illogical, pursuit. going back to the "or would i?", i have graciously accepted that i am very much so a stubborn person who may or may not be obsessed in being 100% logical to the extreme of being so over-analytical that she can't analyze feelings as well.

i have been blessed with the oh-so-beneficial gift of seeing both sides, and cursed with almost having predetermined logically which side i have taken due to previous and/or current relevant situations (i feel like i'm writing a psych book right now btw, that's how over-analytical i am) that may pertain to the outcome of the situation at hand. i often fail to remember that situations are, well, situational, and can vary in both the journey as well as the outcome.

maybe this is all concluding that if i merely step back and look at the situation as if it were someone who was coming to me with their own situation, in addition to myself knowing the third party being dealt with/analyzed (my unofficial psych"o" terminology), i'd go as far to say that i might understand certain reactions to different situations and consider them as they pertain to me. all in all, i'm a smart girl. i just need to realize that sometimes, emotions can determine a logical solution without necessarily overriding logic itself.

man i'm scary sometimes.

visiting hours are never over.

after a rather intense 24 hours, i have revisited myself. i am someone who is pretty low-maintenance, for the most part a "yes girl", and (not to pat my own back) rather selfless. i try my best to anticipate the needs of the people around me without expectation of reciprocity, yet i find myself disappointed when there isn't. maybe it was how i was raised- consideration of other people was prime- or perhaps i am constantly contradicting myself on this issue.

i enjoy being one of the guys, i really do. i'd almost say that i thrive on that feeling. i hate bitchy girls (though it's been rumored that i can be quite the bitch, so i guess i hate high maintenance girls). you know the type: needy, demanding, obsessed with themselves, talk in abnormal pitches (a little stereotypical, i know, just roll with it. i'm a bitch remember?), etc. i can't deny that i don't have needs by any means. i guess my versions of these high maintenance qualities are just a little muted, sans the weird pitched-voice. i have needs, expect the respect that i deserve and if i don't get it, demand it. i also am definitely not lacking in confidence and would love a friend or significant other with the same mindsets that i have.

i feel like i revisit myself on a semi-regular basis- this is just the first time i've been able to write about it in a while. perhaps it's a strategic way to publish self-affirmation? not sure. i bought canvas and a charcoal sketchbook today to cater to my self-induced free time as i shall sit in my storage space which i pay rent for each month despite the fact that it doesn't come close to resembling "home", and i feel i have potential to be inspired due to my experience in the past 24 hours of revisiting. perhaps i'll go abstract.

the new typographer.

i have decided that i want to pursue a career in typographic design. yes, i want to do graphics and all that good stuff, but i want my emphasis to be in typography. i want to be a complete font nerd (moreso than i currently am). i want to create my own fonts, i'm assembling even more ideas for decorating my room, which i posted to my design blog a few minutes ago. it's going to be tedious but such delightful work i am so excited. i'm to design a font which screams ME. it's going to be sarcastic, a control-freak, and pretty gangster.

i finally have 2 days off in a row now, aka a set schedule, so i can get things like decorating and designing accomplished. i have no problem getting hyped about this stuff, it's getting motivated enough to do it that i'm promising myself i'm going to do. here comes a lot of research, staring at my computer screen, and obsessing over line weights and curvatures.

i'm stoked.

a little home decor.

ok, so i am halfway moved into my new place and i have decided to decorate using a very minimalist, linear theme with paint, lines and artwork that i am going to do myself. knowing me, all of the art going directly on the wall will be typographic- meaning that i need to figure out what text i'm going to use. inspirational? sarcastic? hopefully both. i want my space to be 100% ME. here are some themes i'm thinking of:

thoughts? either way i'm going to do it so i guess it doesn't really matter what anyone thinks or says. i want to try a more illustrative approach as well, maybe incorporating a little pointalism into my type. i bought several pieces of canvas as well to get started on the wall pieces, which are going to be more organic as opposed to the rigid and linear art being painted directly on my wall. hopefully joe will help me, seeing as he has an eye as well for this kind of interior design. i'm going to try and be done with everything by mid august, seeing as i'm still in the process of moving in! pictures posted as soon as they're available. :)

organizational woes.

yesterday and today were days of organizing my life. figuring out what i'm doing right and what i'm doing wrong, looking at what i need to change to make it right.

things i am doing wrong:

-spending more than double my rent's worth of money per week.. on nothing long-term.

-not actively looking (hard enough) for a design job

-drinking too much

there are more but nothing i'm going to delve into at this point. the money issue is the biggest one for me, although that's directly related to the amount of alcohol i choose to consume. seriously though, i started keeping track of my tips and everything, and i made over $650 in 4 shifts in tips alone. how much cash do i have on my person? like $150. ridiculous. i should be a millionaire by now if i had been even slightly NOT retarded... fired amy, fired.

in other news, i applied for a credit card yesterday (mildly ironic seeing how i have money issues), but i need to build my credit, and i get 30,000 miles through united airlines with the first $250 i spend! i've had a credit card before and never had issues with debt or anything. i guess that's how i end up justifying the amount i have been spending.. i'm still, by far, completely debt-free. i mean i haven't used my debit card in almost 3 weeks except to pay my phone bill. i just want to kick myself for not saving all the money i just wasted getting wasted. i just signed up with mint, which is basically a free financial advisor that helps you budget and monitor your spending. umm, yes please? commence save mode now. check it out. ok, enough about money. promise.

i saw an ad on craigslist for a design position at a place called fine art digital printing. PRINTING! that is definitely my medium of choice, as opposed to web. i'd love to get more experience with video though. i need to update my web portfolio and write a cover letter, but i meet all the requirements they listed, so that could be really exciting if things start to work out for me.

i need to buy a new camera. i'm currently sitting in muse, a coffee shop a couple blocks away from my house, and they have photography all over the shop. plus with photoshop and everything, how cool would it be to go on walks and just take pictures? or of friends? i'm talking artistic pictures, not facebook ones.. i know, look who's talking. i just want to get "back in the game" and not stay sucked into the service industry black hole, as fun as it can be.

ok, good pep talk. time to re up.

happenings.

yet another large gap between writing. oh well. i guess you could say a lot has happened in that gap.. i had a boyfriend for a hot minute, decided that was a terrible idea so i ended it. it's kind of funny how slapping a title on something that was totally fine to begin with will fuck things up. i told myself from the very beginning to not raise my expectations just because he's now my "boyfriend", to keep things exactly the same as they were before, aka casual. maybe i just needed the title to secure exclusivity? who knows, i can't say i didn't know from the very beginning it wouldn't be a really long-term thing, but was just the natural progression of how things were between us it seemed.

luckily things between us are totally fine now, nice and back to normal. he turns 25 on sunday, which would be cool if it wasn't the day after the 2 year anniversary of his dad's funeral. i can't imagine losing a parent, how absolutely heart-wrenching and awful it would feel. it's hard enough watching someone else suffer from it 2 years later. all i can do is be there, like i always [sometimes very frustratedly] have been.

bonnie, my dog of almost 16 years is fading fast... my mom just wrote a blog about it with pictures of her and everything. she has dementia and is losing muscle control. poor girl can barely eat, although the vet says she's not in pain. i NEED need to get home soon to spend some time with her and my parents. i miss non-work friends too. whitney, sarah, kate, michaela, chadly... it's those people who keep you sane sometimes when you spend your time with people you work with and talk primarily of work.

the apartment search continues, although i'm pretty sure i'm going to move into jay's building on denny and dexter. hardwood floors, practically downtown, next to a gas station, liquor store, 24-hr subway, whole foods, the market? golden. and i'm living ALONE :) the only person i'd live with is whitney. period. that was flawless, although i think it's important to experience living on your own, see what kind of a roommate and how responsible you really are. i already know i'm not the easiest person to live with so i can cross that off right now.

scratch the big screen tv. i am debating whether or not i even want cable. i'd rather get a massive monitor :) ok enough about my apartment dreams, i'm going to a coffee shop because for some reason i have been awake since 6:30am and it's 9:43 now. disgusting. since when are sunrises something you wake up to as opposed to taking a hint that it's time to go to bed?

welcome home.

i need to make the trek to u village pretty soon and pick up art supplies at the bookstore, i.e. a few canvases and paint. all i can think about these days is moving into my own place. i'm nowhere near my financial goal at this point but that was over by about 4 or 5 grand, so i still have enough to get by. i'm .5 seconds away from buying a 50" plasma screen tv.. totally unnecessary, but i've never been extravagant so i'm deeming it as ok.

i'm really going to use a lot of discretion in choosing my next apartment.. i want hardwood floors, a cool view- preferably of the water, which i miss like crazy- somewhere where i can walk to work and to friends' houses, modern yet very comfortable, all appliances working as opposed to my apartment right now where our dryer hasn't had a heating coil for about 3 or 4 weeks [grrr], and most of all just to have alone time. i NEVER get alone time unless i close the bar and no one's awake anymore. i guess i don't understand how at least one of us is home all the time..

i need to start walking to work like joe. get away from even the people watching activities on the bus. i can actually have secrets that other people don't observe because they live with me, where they don't hear any news in my life at the same time i do. moral of the story, i want privacy when i need it- and i am NOT a very private person. if i want to run around naked, i will be able to come mid-july or august.

i'm not sure where exactly i want to live: capital hill, eastlake, south lake union, waterfront... but those 4 areas are sounding the most appealing as of this point. close to downtown yet removed enough for me. the water aspect of it all is becoming more and more of a priority the more i think about it. i can just imagine sitting on my balcony or standing and just staring at the water with a cup of coffee.

i'm a huge list person, so i'm making a wish list of things i would ideally, although expensively, have for my new apartment:

+ that 50" plasma screen

+ king sized bed so my feet won't hang off once in my life

+ new bedding

+ sectional couch

+ a plant :)

i'm assuming when i acquire the bed, if at all, will be later on but a girl can dream, can she not?

i always have a mixed reaction when people encourage me to not focus too closely on money. part of me is like well yeah, obviously don't let it consume you, blah blah blah, but the other half says why not? i'm the type of person who enjoys spoiling friends, being in a position where i'm able to help if needed, and just feeling secure in the fact that i earned for myself financial security as a result of a series of good decisions. but enough of further proving that i am a walking contradiction.

give me a break.

i am being resented for being good with my money.

i just think you think you're better than everyone.

what? you really feel like that?

when it comes to money, yeah, i do.

sounds tame and harmless enough, but at the time it was probably the most hurtful thing that could have been said considering the circumstances and all the shit that has gone down. a

for the first 2 months of our lease, 2 out of 4 of us were getting payday loans every paycheck. i was in a position where i was able to help out, so i begged them to borrow money from me so they would have a chance to catch up without being charged up the ass with interest rates and whatnot. i have paid all 3 of their rent portions, 1 on more than one occasion, only asking to be paid back when they could. i purchase the majority of the groceries, so the other day i suggested that someone else could buy them this time and i'd be totally fine with it..

que resentment.

i come home the other night to find one of them drunk, and the other 2 busy playing wii. i come to find later that they had just had a heated discussion about what a money-hungry bitch i was, and some fairly shitty things were said. and then as soon as the light bill is brought up, which is outrageous, i'm told that it has not been paid because i have not written a check. because I have not written a check, really?

everyone i talk to tells me to break my lease and move out. everyone. it's so tempting but i wouldn't screw them over like that. i am never home on purpose because i hate being there. i guess i'll keep the cheap rent and just never be there... you can bet your ass though that i'm done buying groceries.

the hair of the dog.

thinking about what might have been lost, i choose to lose it. you simply cannot create something that does not exist. i continue stand correct thus far on the issue of the severity of putting logic before emotion, as a typical aquarius does. emotions, i have come to find, are an equivalent to alcohol. all logic goes out the window because you are now being led by a substance that should not, despite various cliche sayings such as "follow your heart", be making your decisions for you.

no.

alcohol knows no logic. your heart knows no logic. trust me. my employee appreciation party was this past wednesday, before which i downed a half of a fifth of jameson from the bottle via a straw. when one of my bartenders arrived at the party, i was apparently humping a speaker. tell me the idiot that says one can be logical under the complete influence of alcohol, and let them try and drink me under the table. we'll talk after the 2-day hangover and re-assess.

back to my point: i guess i'm just realizing more and more that there is less and less of a reason for me not to be guarded. i would love to be able to take people for their word and assume the appropriate actions would follow, but i cannot. i don't want to think of how many times i have been guilty of the same, but i see so many people around me succeed at this whole game of falling in love and i, for the life of me, cannot walk myself logically through those steps to be able to justify it.

besides my relentless brain working overtime, i've been helplessly in overtime for the past month straight at work. i just got a promotion [yay] and now have over 10 positions to clock in under. my manager just laughs at me. he grills the shit out of me, but we're cool. i can't wait until i never have to work at a restaurant again. i want to write, i want to design, to draw, and take pictures and work with developers while pouring all of my time into this screen.

moral of the story, i am in desperate need of social interaction outside of work, and therefore less time to analyze.

karma.

i'm back in seattle after being in portland for a few days for christmas. my living room smells of mildew instead of baked goods like the home i just left does, dishes are scattered about the entire house after sitting there for who knows how long, and the groceries that i bought are now gone. i'm just so ready to move out and get my own place. it's funny, we all knew before we moved in that we didn't exactly keep a "tidy" house before. i'm not sure how it came to the point where we all completely let it go- not just the house, but almost a complete disrespect for the fact that each one of us lives 3 other people. everyone deals with things in their own way. shannon cleans every once and a while but lets everyone know that he's not happy about it, harrison does it most often out of either boredom or housewife instinct, joe may or may not clean when asked and other wise not at all as to not appease the rest of our passive aggressive suggestions that he should do it sometime before the lease ends, and i am either the one to clean up after when we have groups of people or after myself. any way you look at it, it doesn't leave anyone necessarily happy about the situation.

i'm just tired i guess. i'm a pretty easy-going person to live with i feel. sure i might not enjoy cooking or cleaning [at all] but i like to think i make up for it with my presence alone. kidding.

i like to spoil my friends, make sure thy have the time of their lives and laugh their asses off in the process. if someone needs something, i like them to know i can either be there or get it for them. call it 'needing to be needed' or whatever you want, but it just makes me happy doing it. would i appreciate someone reciprocating the favor? absolutely, but i don't expect it. i try to not expect anything lest i not be disappointed. however, i've decided i need to be [i would say a little, but i need to start with being so initially...] selfish.

for example, i want an apartment with hardwood floors, pretty appliances and matching dishes, a couple massive pieces of art to provide the majority or color, a sectional couch, a 47" flat screen tv, and ceiling-to-floor windows with curtains. and i want it all for myself. if i leave the lights on when i leave for the weekend, it's my fault that the electricity bill is higher than it should be. plain and simple. i'm not particularly keen on sharing responsibility with 3 other people. bills don't get paid on time because no one can manage their money unless the fairy godmother steps in and pays someone's share with no inclination of when/if she'll be paid back. i love them, like, LOVE them. i just need to live with someone on the same page as i am, aka myself.

it will be good for me, a true test of responsibility and work ethic. i'll be forced to live according to what i can and cannot afford for the very reason that i don't have anyone to split anything with. i crave the challenge. my goal is to have at least $5,000 saved up by the end of my lease. even that i hope to exceed. $10,000 would be ideal, and i know i can do it if i truly set my mind to it. no more tipping my bartenders 150% just because "i love them" and hope to someday have karma come back and help me in that arena. it never does. no more offering to treat friends to endless drinks just because i want them to be involved in the fun. it's time to be selfish and fend for myself, because i have yet to meet someone to return the favor. i will continue to give and give and give, and be there and be there and be there, but if what goes around truly comes around, i'll pace myself for the next lap.

the trees are finally naked, lining the icy streets as mere skeletons, providing an invisible shelter from the frigid seattle air. the rays of sunlight hit the pavement at 5 or so in an orange fury, anxious to sink beneath the surface of the sound. who knows if there's telling when we'll meet again. my skin longs for natural warmth the sun just cannot give me.

winter has brought her usual antics, imposing a sense of white noise i can't block out. it's time for movement despite the inclination to hibernate.

woods.

i love waking up to coffee. i just bought a coffee maker and seeing as i've been awake since 8:30, it's necessary. [i go to bed after 4am on a daily basis].

i've been in a funk lately, that i haven't been able to shake. for me, that is rare. i can't remember a time i felt depressed or something and someone wasn't able to make me laugh and therefore forget what was going on. this was just an intense fog that i wasn't even aware of for the most part, if it hadn't been for people asking me what was wrong with me or why i was in such a bad mood then i would have just thought of it as "meh, whatevs i'm fine."

if you haven't before, listen to bon iver. i was laying in bed, refusing to move and i had my headphones in. lil wayne wasn't really overwhelming me with the relaxing feeling i was going for, so i put on "woods" and just laid there, completely still. it's one of the most peaceful, soothing songs ever. there are only 2 lines to the whole song.

i'm up in the woods, i'm down on my mind.

i'm building a still, to slow down the time.

i'm excited to go home for thanksgiving. time will slow down considerably, i'll get to spend time with the fam and i can truly relax. i don't really have any friends in portland so i won't get cabin fever like i normally do. my desktop is currently a sepia photograph of the main drag in palm springs. sigh, nostalgic. i can't wait until i can save up enough to go on a vacation! palm springs probably wouldn't be my first choice, but i miss the sun and just the familiarity of being able to go somewhere when i need to get away.

oh, being able to escape. i can't wait.

glass mask.

have i ever told you i feel sorry for you?

you talk constantly of killing yourself and loving anyone who will have you more than the person you actually say 'i love you' to. i wish i knew why you were hurting enough to sacrifice your dignity. i really do. being depressed is one thing, but to combine that with such arrogance and this self-professed title of 'the shit', you might as well be hiding behind a glass door. and this glass door- is open.

aren't you exhausted from putting up this facade nonstop? you now hate yourself beyond your ability to bear it, yet you remain too proud to change anything whatsoever in your life. congratulations, you have made everyone in your life expendable sans the people who benefit your life. and more congratulations to you, this time for acknowledging that you failed.

i'm sorry, i really am. it just would have been nice if i hadn't been one of those people you deemed less than the people causing you to hate yourself. so thanks.

please flail your arms and legs outside the vehicle at all times.

life's funny, how it throws different opportunities your way at just the right moment and you still have no idea how to accept them. in the past week i've gotten 2 different design offers: one through a friend and the other via my resume getting passed around and landing in the right hands. it's hard to imagine living anywhere else when i'm financially secure here in seattle. all i hear about is how terrible the economy is everywhere and yet i feel so blessed to be "okay" in my situation here. i have something to get me by before i get my big girl job, while in the meantime i am given the opportinuties to pursue what it is i actually want to do for the rest of my life.

the rest of my life.

such a seeminly terrifying concept and yet i am perfectly content at the thought of committing to just that. sure i'll end up having to get glasses as a result of staring at a screen all day every day, but thinking about what i'll be staring at- my designs, my creations, my ideas, makes it worth it. knowing that i can create movement from seemingly flat images or shapes and make something so dynamic? priceless. the idea alone is just exciting to me.

i'm starting to rekindle that belief i had in myself earlier in the year, around the winter/spring of my senior year. i was so confident in myself as far as my career went. for a while i lost that sense of hope, but i'm starting to regain it, and quickly. ;D

sidenote: i really hope that my career involves alot of travelling. my dream has always been to go on business trips to awesome places where i can experience different cultures and get paid to do so. i can see what graphic design is like in italy, spain, australia, central america, greece, etc. almost makes up for losing the ability to see it with 20/20 vision. [cue glasses!] it seems almost like a genre in itself to do american graphic design. you look around you and see capitalism, structure, architecturally influenced shapes and figures juxtaposed with fluid lines reflecting the current trend that is urban outfitters. i can't even imagine designing for a small business in the mediterrainean, taking into consideration their pace of life, their involvement with the hustle and bustle of the business life, and how much they care about being corporate. see to me, that's just fascinating. maybe i can morph my focus into "international design marketing strategies" and be the art director of it all!!! umm, dream come true-- tied with nike, of course.

i'll let you know when i buy my first plane ticket and where the destination is.

gia.

i never considered myself to be the type to need alone time. ever. tonight at work i, for some reason got extremely emotional all at one time. and it was over the stupidest shit too. i was annoyed with someone and by venting it just escalated into almost bringing me to tears. my second housewarming party is currently going on, and i have absolutely no desire to partake in any of the activities. drinking, socializing, anything. i want to go to a coffee shop and stare at this screen for hours, doing design and delving into the unknown so i can somehow know it. i want to watch hours of tutorials and teach myself, little by little, the complete ins and outs of design and all of the programs that can be used to do it. it’s almost like i want to be an intern for the rest of my life. i am a firm believer in the fact that i will be a student for the rest of my life regardless of whether or not i‘m in school or not. i am constantly wanting to know more.

i feel like my life is going nowhere. i know that this is the transitional period that almost every grad experiences after they seemingly lose all structure that school tends to offer with a set schedule of classes, homework, etc. i always told myself that i would be able to better manage my time with design once i actually went to work to do it. i still have yet to do that, so i guess until that happens this is how i’ll feel. whitney says to live my life while i’m still young, because it’s rapidly coming to an end. i can’t wait to grow older, in some strange fucked up way. not in an age sense, but rather schedule-wise. no longer worrying about my peers wanting only to party. i am out of school, therefore to me, the party season is over. let’s get responsible people, why do people avoid it for so long? maybe because they’ll have to deal with it for the rest of your life, but to me, why prolong the inevitable? you’re going to have to deal with it sooner or later, so the question is: do you want to be 30 and just learning how to grow up, or deal with it in your early 20’s and bypass the embarrassment of coming into your own a decade after everyone else did. this issue has haunted me for the past 2 years, waiting for myself to step up and take my own challenge. obviously not everyone is going to make the same decisions as i will, but it’s my fault for not doing them because they won’t. my finger just want to FLY across this keyboard, spewing out every thought that comes to mind. i can’t slow them down enough to differentiate whether or not they are self-deprecating or constructive criticism. i can’t differentiate between the two anymore, i’ve noticed. i do need girl time, as well as my alone time. my dream has come true: i live with gay boys and love each one of them more than i can ever express. i just need someone to listen to me rant and talk out my issues if i need them. that is my only complaint. i’d rather spend time with them than alone, and should i get the house to myself before our lease is up and we decide to go separate ways, fine. it makes no difference to me. i’ll be the same either way, and that’s a completely honest statement.

i feel like gia- in the metaphorical sense, of course, and minus the drugs. someone put on such a pedestal, under such pressure to perform and to succeed that i’m destined to crack. only in my case it’s purely self-inflicted.

**sidenote: anyone that reads my this blog on a regular basis, you must think i am a seriously depressed and fucked up individual. i am not, i just use this as an outlet to word vomit what i can’t verbally over-analyze to another depressed and also fucked up individual. ;D i kid, i kid.

moral of the story, i just need to get the ball rolling. i need to break the trend of not being able to say no to social situations because it will eventually get me in trouble.. again. soon i’ll be sane enough to be obsessed with life, rather than just to enjoy it, you know?

i got sunshine.

we drive. my feet on the dash with an arm out the window. the music drives the car down who knows what road, ‘cause our hair is in our eyes. without our vision, we are indeed the passengers. you ask me to tell you when we get there, although where, i’m not sure. but hey, we’re driving, so it has to be somewhere. it has to be somewhere.

please don’t let me look, and spoil the surprise. just let me feel movement without moving, let me anticipate what can’t be anticipated, and please, let me love what i know can’t love me back. although what, i’m not sure. but hey, we’re driving, so it has to be something. it has to be something.

and just because the wind is blowing, we cannot find air to breathe, for the laughter won’t come to and end. the sun floods our lungs and somehow that’s enough. with bare golden skin sprawled out each window, the music still drives us along. although how, i’m not sure. but hey, we’re driving, so it has to be somehow. it has to be somehow.

we are passengers, unaware of impact until we wake up, far away from the road. our bare skin covered in white plaster, the sunlight replaced with florescent white. i lay next to you, the music still playing faintly. although whose, i was not sure- at first. but hey. even now, we’re still driving, so it has to be someone’s. it has to be for someone’s.

what's my age again?

i love my job. i really do. i love being pulled in every different direction and actually being good at it. i love the stress and chaos of it all, it's an adrenaline rush to me. people have been talking about making me a server [i work at the triple door]. finally, some affirmation. don't get me wrong, i have no intentions of being a "lifer" in the restaurant biz, but to see how much money people make here, walking with hundreds and hundreds of dollars in a night just for interacting with people, giving them some buddha rolls and chicken pad thai and a martini while they watch a show.... i just thought of how i could have made this whole blog into some huge metaphorical blurb, personifying the lights and everything. obviously i decided against it. creative writing is fun, but i'm in the mood to be blunt.

i want to make a 5 year plan. i want to be a 22 year old with the maturity level and responsibility of someone who's 30. i've been told i seem more matura than someone who's 22. don't get me wrong, just because of my last blog about not focusing purely on making money and being successful doesn't mean i don't want to work for it. obviously i need some kind of cushion if i plan on doing anything remotely pro bono. ultimately it's an issue of a lack of faith for me. i am a control freak. there, i admit it. never have i put my trust entirely in God. now my parents, on the other hand, moved up from palm springs to portland without a job or having our house sold. i would have never in a million years been so bold. it terrifies me. whitney was trying to convince me to move to portland at i wouldn't because i didn't have anything lined up job-wise for when i moved. granted, my rent is way cheap up here, i know seattle and whatnot, but that's besides the point.

speaking of besides the point, back to my 5 year plan. let's just do this on the fly right now. i'll go by "rent" years, so from august to august. i'll even break it down to seasons. by winter i want to definitely have my laptop, if not by fall. by spring i'll have the adobe creative suites [and be 20 lbs lighter. jk], as well as $1000 saved up in a trust fund to just sit there, untouched and gain interest for when i'm old and fat and want to move to the editerranean. i'll add periodically so i can have cocktails when i lay my 60-year old ass out in a g-string. just kidding.

next summer i'll be deciding where to move. maybe africa, south america, australia? as nice as living alone would be, there's nothing like coming home to someone being there, or knowing that someone's coming home to talk to. i'm not a huge fan of being alone. minor setback i guess, but then you could always have people over? nah it's just be cheaper to split the rent and have a roommate. ok enough monologue. focus amy, focus. regardless of where i choose to move, i will be designing. no restaurant job- at least as a primary source of income. who couldn't use more money for that trust fund? i will definitely be moving out of seattle, i decided. i want to live internationally, so i will do it. get a work visa, eventually dual citizenship and gain some cultural experience, learn a language- preferably italian or spanish.

year 3. i want to start a campaign or organization, whether it's the "outside the lines" idea or not. i want something to be my name attached to it, my baby. in the words of three6mafia: "no i can't live my life, working those 9 to 5's, no matter what they say, i'm doin' it my own way. cause time ain't on my side, they don't understand, forget what people say, i'm doin' it my own way." how non-conformist, three6. i want to be living in one of 2 extreme living conditions: the downtown area of a big city in a stainless steel/white apartment, or in the middle of some secluded foreign country living the same way as the people i'm interacting with. i do want to do the second at one point in my life, the length of time has not yet been determined. i'll keep you posted though.

year 4... and 5. not really too sure about that one. maybe mine is just a 3 year plan? years 4 and 5 can just be continued off of those first 3 and further evaluations and goal assessments to be based off of those experiences. i really am a very goal-oriented person. it's good to break it down to seasons though for me because that's a lot more tangible benefits-wise than on a yearly basis. fall is just around the corner. a laptop should be no problem, especially since i will be picking up a few odd jobs here and there, and with my tip checks SIGNIFICANTLY larger now that i'm down in the theatre as opposed to hosting. i can make it happen if i don't get sidetracked or screwed over.. again.

something about growing up is exciting to me. people say that 20's is the prime. i don't even feel like i look like an adult, dude. i wonder how long it takes to transition from college student to young professional looks-wise? i'm retarded, i do realize this. i don't know i just see so much appeal in being considered a responsible human being and doing something that actually benefits other people besides gracing them with my presence, friendship, blah blah blah. the college years is such a selfish time in life, and i guess everything preceding it too. it's just how you're wired because you've been given everything, had everything provided for you, and just have basic immature desires.. wanting to fit in, party hard to break down social inhibitions and wear the latest styles, etc. it's fun and all, don't get me wrong, i mean who doesn't want to blame their being too forward on the simple fact that you were drunk? it seems to erase all responsibility anyway. dude, seriously, what is so wrong with people that no one can accept responsibility for anything?? i can't stand it. [this is quickly turning into a rant]. seriously, please tell me the appeal of being perceived by everyone else in society as the demographic who is convinced that "real world" is the actual real world. companies have unfortunately had to stoop to that level to capture our .345 second attention span by slapping something shiny and superficial onto a billboard, and it's a multi-million dollar fad. it's an irreversible trend that's only spiraling downward into a black hole of social degradation.

let me know when this season of "reality" is over. thanks.

down to section 8.

i haven't spent a dime since wednesday. not exactly by choice- the financial shit of my life hit the economic fan. just when i thought i was on top of everything, too.. seriously, rent wasn't going to be even remotely a problem, my tip checks haven't even begun to reflect the work i've put in as an SA [server's assistant] downstairs in the theatre, and i will be going into overtime this week. but no, i have to go through hoops to avoid bullshit that could have been avoided without pressing that damn "click here to start free trial" button. of course you did, amy, of course you did. fool.

anyway, i'm crossing my fingers in hopes that i get tipped out even though i was training as an SA those sold out nights. if not i'm nothing short of fucked, to be quite frank. we just signed up for cable [which i have no desire for] with a dvr, internet, and a land line. i'm not looking forward to seeing the water bill, seeing as someone's doing laundry literally every day. i'm trying so hard to not stress out. i know i'll be fine, i know i will. i might have to post up on aurora for a week or 4- just kidding- but i'll make ends meet. this is just a set back.

like i first said, due to this experience, i have not spent one dime [from my debit card, mind you... i've found a dollar here or there and gone crazy on a coca-cola]. all the things i gravitate towards when i do have money are things i can't have now. if i'm starving about to start seizing because my stomach is eating itself, i can have rice because i am terrified of the dreaded overdraft fees. yes, i have a positive balance but who knows if something will sneak up on me. so i'm a little paranoid, alright? it was probably good for me. but yea, it really
puts into perspective how unnecessary certain things i've gotten used to as "necessities" actually are. for example, more often than not, when i get off of work and need to kill a half hour before my bus comes, i try and linger awkwardly at the bar so i'm either: a) not pacing around the lounge like an idiot, or b) sitting at the sketch bus stop amidst a swarm of homeless people screaming at the world. after the awkward phase passes [3 minutes], i take a breath of reality and sit down and order a drink. the employees take up an entire half of the bar usually so i'm not alone at least. but now what do i do to kill time without being awkward or spending anything? impossible, yet spending isn't an issue so i resort to being awkward. --p.s. if this was an actual conversation most of my friends would be really irritated with me at the fact i could have said most of this paragraph in one sentence. just an fyi.

money is a bitch, have it or not. it either creates a comfort blanket that make you whine when you catch a little draft, or it leaves you out in the cold to only lust for it. don't get me wrong, i don't think that due to my personal situation, i know anything about poverty. my sisters and mom went on mission trips to etheopia and have seen true poverty. i will make no complaints as far as that goes. it would almost be interesting to weigh out what exactly we do and don't need. we live so lavishly here in america, it almost pisses me off. oh, for things to be simple. it's almost something to be envious of them for. they have shelter, whatever food they work for and it doesn't come from a drive through, and each other. i've been looking into working internationally. doing what, who knows, but i want to do something like that... test my comfort levels and get a little reality check in the process. i've decided i'm going to go to etheopia and help the adoption agency.

my roommate whitney [she'll always be my roommate, despite whether or not we actually live together] fosters dogs when she can. giving how much she loves dogs, i can't imagine how it feels to give them back. gonig over there and interacting with those kids will break my heart, for sure. it's about time i got a little emotional, a little passionate about something besides money and success. one thing whit says to dispute my workaholicism is simply that life is too short. i am obsessed with children, therefore i should be working with children because i am actually beyond good with them. my sisters are too. i guess, come to think of it, my parents are too. must run in the fam cause my dad and i are the only ones left who need to go.

i created a campaign for my senior capstone class with creating a campaign for underpriveleged children. it would be an organization that teams up with big companies like american apparrel or nike, etc., and takes the art of children in situations such as those in africa, and prints them on t-shirts to raise awareness about children being able to express themselves via art. people who buy the shirts in turn support the orphanage the child came from. when the child turns 18, the profits --which have been in a trust fund gaining interst since they were X years old-- will go towards an education or some means of furthering their opportunities in life. i name it "outside the lines" but who knows if that will stick. i'll have to do some intense research because i know nothing about starting an organization or anything like that. maybe i'd recruit siobhan for that, she's the queen of fundraising and benefits, etc. anyway, that's my epiphany. i had every intention of making this blog simply about the complexity of money and how unnecessary certain comodities were. turns out i just figured out what i feel i'm called to do with my life. funny how God works like that. ;D