independence day.

the first day of classes of my senior year is in 5 days now, and my independence is already counting down the days until that last day of classes of my college career. a sudden urgency scrambles to formulate the most plausible scenario of where i'll be a year from now, what my bank statement will read and if that will be enough for a deposit on my own apartment.

this summer's been a teaser the whole way through. antsy the first 2 months of it, i waited the day i could label myself as a busy person. yesterday, i felt that feeling. finally i am working a decent amount of hours to get me out of the house for an extended period of time and keep me busy, my free time is disappearing before my eyes and i should be able to get my plane ticket in the next couple of weeks. the dead time had just been prolonging the last day of school even more, leaving me to wallow in self pity and take up any invitation given as excuse to get out of the house, in the area from which i cannot wait to move. and regardless of what it's to or who it's with, i accept nearly every one of them.

i've recently found that those who claim that saying "no" is even remotely difficult has not experienced the genuine desire to actually say it. take habits, for example: they somehow become engrained into your routine and are performed almost automatically if you don't consciously avoid it. this however, can be solved simply by saying "no". some people claim to have difficulty saving money, whenall they have to do is say "no" to buying unnecessary things like magazines, starbucks, or other luxuries that add up to becoming ironically close to the amount you would have needed to reach your goal. what you need to do is find the right motivation.

i am one of those people who might be classified as someone who is "negatively motivated", meaning i am motivated by what isn't going right. in sports, a missed shot or serve, a bad time, bad defense, all remind me that mistakes like those mean that i'm only going harder the next chance i get. i need tangible losses in close sight to remind me why i'm doing something. it's not about what i'm getting out of it, but what i am refusing to lose. and after i graduate, i will refuse to be stripped of my independence by doing nothing with my degree and being thrown behind a barista counter while i commute in the family car back to my parents' house while i tell everyone i know i'm "just getting back on my feet while i look for a real career".
hell no. when i'm leaving this place, i'm gone.

one thing that is fortunate for me, i'm naturally a people-pleaser; therefore the concept of someone holding me accountable is usually a pretty safe plan for motivation [as well as pointing out the potential losses]. although bets, i've discovered are a sure plan to stop anything- especially if you can't afford to lose. but that goes back to whether or not you truly want to say "no". ask a frugal person to call you out on stupid purchases, an anorexic bitch to make sure you're hungry when you swoop in for the family size box of macaroni and cheese for a midnight snack. exactly.