i would give anything to go back to that day, two summers ago and sit on that very swing at manitou park. for i sat down with every intention of getting back up the same person- with my head held high and a smile across my face, no matter how it got there. i felt a tug on my shirt and turned to see a little girl, not more than three staring up at me the biggest eyes i'd ever seen.
my whole life, i have always gotten along beautifully with children. i've been able to play with them, discipline them, and especially love them. i first started babysitting when i was 12, watching kids as little as 3 and as old as 8. as i grew older, my so did my responsibilities. soon i was one of three people in charge of 150 kids for 8 hours a day. i was 15. when basketball season started my sophomore year in high school, one of my coaches brought her daughter, yasmeen, to practice every day who had just turned 2 years old. one day i asked her if she wanted to play basketball with me. by the time we had our first game, she told her mom that i was her best friend, and would ask me every day if she could 'come at my house', and every day, she did. when the basketball guys would come and get me in a headlock or the random even that i would date someone occured, she hated them. when they touched me she would scream that i was her best friend, and she could ask them if they could hold my hand or hug me. yasmeen would try and follow me out on the court when the game would start, and she came to every one. i almost trampled her several times on a fast break. she was 2 back then. we still talk on the phone to this day.
fast forward to august 2007.
"c'you poosh me?"
how could i not? i stood up, and lifted her up and onto the baby swing next to me and began to gently push her back and forth. she squealed, hardly unable to breathe besides telling me to go higher and higher. she leaned forward as far as she could without tumbling forward, reaching for the ground racing beneath her. i walked around so i was standing in front of her so i could watch her. she looked exactly like yasmeen, and she acted a little like her too. some of the other kids wanted to be pushed, and when i would alternate, she would glare at them, only to look back at me and say "i fought you poosh me?" i smiled, continuing to push her.
i talked to her, asking her her name. it was kayvon. i asked her how old she was. she forcefully held up three fingers and yelled "free!", and as i began to look around, i began to wonder who she was with. i had thought it rather odd that she just randomly walked up to me in the first place, but that was almost an hour ago. i slowed her wing down and asked her where her mommy was. she smiled and asked me to go higher. "mommy's in hostipal. her foot broke."
"who are you here with baby girl?"
"auntie. and gamma."
"where are they?"
she looked around for a second, her eyes scanning the park. my heart was racing.
"oh no," she sighed dramatically heavily. "they left me again."
my heart still raced, but this time with fury. i told her to hold on as i walked 20 feet over to my aunt, telling her that this beautiful little girl everyone had noticed i was bonding with was actually left here, completely alone. i began to get frantic the more i told her, but i never took my eyes off of her, staring back at me in confusion the whole time.
my aunt walked over with me as did several other people who overheard me, clearly not okay, express serious concern. i walked up to her first, and kayvin just looked at me. then she noticed the other people walking up too, and when she swayed towards me, she reached out and grabbed my hand, clutching onto it for dear life it seemed. my heart was breaking.
i knelt down, trying to keep all the rage inside of me towards whoever left her at a park where there had been 2 shootings only months before, and not only that, but who hadn't noticed by now. "kayvon, honey, what's your auntie's name?" she tugged on my hand, reminding me she was still in a swing and, in case i forgot, that meant for me to push her. my aunt tried, then someone else. she squeezed my hand and pulled her swing closer to me and started to whine, reaching out with her other hand to be picked up. i took her into my arms and she buried her face in my shoulder, and sobbed.
people crowded around her as i begged for them to leave. she was now the 'lost girl' and everyone had to have their crack at her. as if i wasn't infuriated enough, trying to keep it together telling people nicely to please get the fuck away was torture. i walked off by myself, only allowing my aunt to come with me. she called the police as i tried to get any information out of her as i could. i held her against my chest for 2 hours, trying to be something she could depend on to be there, someone who just loved her. and i did.
the police finally came. he got out of his car, walked straight up to me and reached out for her. she screamed. i stepped back, "what are you doing? she's terrified and doesn't know you." i wanted to lunge at him. he paused, stared at me, probably thought i was crazy as my aunt interjected, telling him the story. he didn't stop looking at me for a while until finally it was just awkward to not make eye contact with my aunt since she was talking to him anyway. when she finished, he asked me what i knew. hesitantly, i gave him the information i had managed to get from kayvon, who surprisingly knew her aunt's full name.
another hour passed as he tried to get a hold of her aunt and grandma. he finally did. her mother had been in a car accident the night before, pushing kayvon in a stroller across tacoma avenue on her way to pik up heroin. the car had missed the stroller by a foot. custody was transferred to her grandma that night. her aunt and cousin had met the two of them at the park earlier that day, communication got messed up and both left assuming the other party had her. the officer asked her grandma if she had noticed she was gone, or even called her aunt to chekc on her. she hadn't.
the cop walked slowly over to me, cautiously as to not scare her, and pulled a dora the explorer sticker from his pocket and showed it to kayvon. she wiped her nose with her entire arm, reached out and took it. she handed it to me with a huge smile and pointed to her chest. i slowly peeled it off and stuck it on her little pink shirt. kayvon beamed at me proudly.
the cop touched her elbow and said it was time to go and she needed to go with him, that he was going to take her to grandma's house. i froze, staring in disbelief at him. he was going to take her right back to the crazy old hag who left her here in the first place. my eyes darted over to my aunt, insisting that she tell him off. she shook her head no in warning. i made kayvon look me in the eye and told her she needed to go with the sticker man and he was going to take her back to grandma's house.
"c'you come wif me?" i died a little bit.
"no baby, i have to stay here."
she stopped, looking at her sticker. "okay."
the cop reach out and took her, setting her down in the front seat and buckling her in. no car seat, nothing. this cop was an idiot. he pulled away and i could see her strain her neck up so she could watch as they drove away. i waved until i couldn't see her anymore. when they pulled out, i turned around silently, and began to walk away. my aunt caught up with me.
"mames, how you doin baby love?" her hand rested on my shoulder.
i collapsed to the ground, convulsing as i cried the hardest i can remember. she knelt down and held me clsoe to her, telling me how proud she was of me and that God put me here so she could find me, not just anyone. me. all i remember saying repeatedly was that i couldn't fathom how that happens, how someone could leave a CHILD. fuck with anyone dude, seriously, but kids? that's what gets me absolutely irate. they're completely helpless, especially at 3 years old? my heart completely broke that day, for the first time, and it hasn't broke since. that day, in manitou park, for a child.
what i would give to be able to break like that again.
No comments:
Post a Comment