please flail your arms and legs outside the vehicle at all times.

life's funny, how it throws different opportunities your way at just the right moment and you still have no idea how to accept them. in the past week i've gotten 2 different design offers: one through a friend and the other via my resume getting passed around and landing in the right hands. it's hard to imagine living anywhere else when i'm financially secure here in seattle. all i hear about is how terrible the economy is everywhere and yet i feel so blessed to be "okay" in my situation here. i have something to get me by before i get my big girl job, while in the meantime i am given the opportinuties to pursue what it is i actually want to do for the rest of my life.

the rest of my life.

such a seeminly terrifying concept and yet i am perfectly content at the thought of committing to just that. sure i'll end up having to get glasses as a result of staring at a screen all day every day, but thinking about what i'll be staring at- my designs, my creations, my ideas, makes it worth it. knowing that i can create movement from seemingly flat images or shapes and make something so dynamic? priceless. the idea alone is just exciting to me.

i'm starting to rekindle that belief i had in myself earlier in the year, around the winter/spring of my senior year. i was so confident in myself as far as my career went. for a while i lost that sense of hope, but i'm starting to regain it, and quickly. ;D

sidenote: i really hope that my career involves alot of travelling. my dream has always been to go on business trips to awesome places where i can experience different cultures and get paid to do so. i can see what graphic design is like in italy, spain, australia, central america, greece, etc. almost makes up for losing the ability to see it with 20/20 vision. [cue glasses!] it seems almost like a genre in itself to do american graphic design. you look around you and see capitalism, structure, architecturally influenced shapes and figures juxtaposed with fluid lines reflecting the current trend that is urban outfitters. i can't even imagine designing for a small business in the mediterrainean, taking into consideration their pace of life, their involvement with the hustle and bustle of the business life, and how much they care about being corporate. see to me, that's just fascinating. maybe i can morph my focus into "international design marketing strategies" and be the art director of it all!!! umm, dream come true-- tied with nike, of course.

i'll let you know when i buy my first plane ticket and where the destination is.

gia.

i never considered myself to be the type to need alone time. ever. tonight at work i, for some reason got extremely emotional all at one time. and it was over the stupidest shit too. i was annoyed with someone and by venting it just escalated into almost bringing me to tears. my second housewarming party is currently going on, and i have absolutely no desire to partake in any of the activities. drinking, socializing, anything. i want to go to a coffee shop and stare at this screen for hours, doing design and delving into the unknown so i can somehow know it. i want to watch hours of tutorials and teach myself, little by little, the complete ins and outs of design and all of the programs that can be used to do it. it’s almost like i want to be an intern for the rest of my life. i am a firm believer in the fact that i will be a student for the rest of my life regardless of whether or not i‘m in school or not. i am constantly wanting to know more.

i feel like my life is going nowhere. i know that this is the transitional period that almost every grad experiences after they seemingly lose all structure that school tends to offer with a set schedule of classes, homework, etc. i always told myself that i would be able to better manage my time with design once i actually went to work to do it. i still have yet to do that, so i guess until that happens this is how i’ll feel. whitney says to live my life while i’m still young, because it’s rapidly coming to an end. i can’t wait to grow older, in some strange fucked up way. not in an age sense, but rather schedule-wise. no longer worrying about my peers wanting only to party. i am out of school, therefore to me, the party season is over. let’s get responsible people, why do people avoid it for so long? maybe because they’ll have to deal with it for the rest of your life, but to me, why prolong the inevitable? you’re going to have to deal with it sooner or later, so the question is: do you want to be 30 and just learning how to grow up, or deal with it in your early 20’s and bypass the embarrassment of coming into your own a decade after everyone else did. this issue has haunted me for the past 2 years, waiting for myself to step up and take my own challenge. obviously not everyone is going to make the same decisions as i will, but it’s my fault for not doing them because they won’t. my finger just want to FLY across this keyboard, spewing out every thought that comes to mind. i can’t slow them down enough to differentiate whether or not they are self-deprecating or constructive criticism. i can’t differentiate between the two anymore, i’ve noticed. i do need girl time, as well as my alone time. my dream has come true: i live with gay boys and love each one of them more than i can ever express. i just need someone to listen to me rant and talk out my issues if i need them. that is my only complaint. i’d rather spend time with them than alone, and should i get the house to myself before our lease is up and we decide to go separate ways, fine. it makes no difference to me. i’ll be the same either way, and that’s a completely honest statement.

i feel like gia- in the metaphorical sense, of course, and minus the drugs. someone put on such a pedestal, under such pressure to perform and to succeed that i’m destined to crack. only in my case it’s purely self-inflicted.

**sidenote: anyone that reads my this blog on a regular basis, you must think i am a seriously depressed and fucked up individual. i am not, i just use this as an outlet to word vomit what i can’t verbally over-analyze to another depressed and also fucked up individual. ;D i kid, i kid.

moral of the story, i just need to get the ball rolling. i need to break the trend of not being able to say no to social situations because it will eventually get me in trouble.. again. soon i’ll be sane enough to be obsessed with life, rather than just to enjoy it, you know?

i got sunshine.

we drive. my feet on the dash with an arm out the window. the music drives the car down who knows what road, ‘cause our hair is in our eyes. without our vision, we are indeed the passengers. you ask me to tell you when we get there, although where, i’m not sure. but hey, we’re driving, so it has to be somewhere. it has to be somewhere.

please don’t let me look, and spoil the surprise. just let me feel movement without moving, let me anticipate what can’t be anticipated, and please, let me love what i know can’t love me back. although what, i’m not sure. but hey, we’re driving, so it has to be something. it has to be something.

and just because the wind is blowing, we cannot find air to breathe, for the laughter won’t come to and end. the sun floods our lungs and somehow that’s enough. with bare golden skin sprawled out each window, the music still drives us along. although how, i’m not sure. but hey, we’re driving, so it has to be somehow. it has to be somehow.

we are passengers, unaware of impact until we wake up, far away from the road. our bare skin covered in white plaster, the sunlight replaced with florescent white. i lay next to you, the music still playing faintly. although whose, i was not sure- at first. but hey. even now, we’re still driving, so it has to be someone’s. it has to be for someone’s.