i never considered myself to be the type to need alone time. ever. tonight at work i, for some reason got extremely emotional all at one time. and it was over the stupidest shit too. i was annoyed with someone and by venting it just escalated into almost bringing me to tears. my second housewarming party is currently going on, and i have absolutely no desire to partake in any of the activities. drinking, socializing, anything. i want to go to a coffee shop and stare at this screen for hours, doing design and delving into the unknown so i can somehow know it. i want to watch hours of tutorials and teach myself, little by little, the complete ins and outs of design and all of the programs that can be used to do it. it’s almost like i want to be an intern for the rest of my life. i am a firm believer in the fact that i will be a student for the rest of my life regardless of whether or not i‘m in school or not. i am constantly wanting to know more.
i feel like my life is going nowhere. i know that this is the transitional period that almost every grad experiences after they seemingly lose all structure that school tends to offer with a set schedule of classes, homework, etc. i always told myself that i would be able to better manage my time with design once i actually went to work to do it. i still have yet to do that, so i guess until that happens this is how i’ll feel. whitney says to live my life while i’m still young, because it’s rapidly coming to an end. i can’t wait to grow older, in some strange fucked up way. not in an age sense, but rather schedule-wise. no longer worrying about my peers wanting only to party. i am out of school, therefore to me, the party season is over. let’s get responsible people, why do people avoid it for so long? maybe because they’ll have to deal with it for the rest of your life, but to me, why prolong the inevitable? you’re going to have to deal with it sooner or later, so the question is: do you want to be 30 and just learning how to grow up, or deal with it in your early 20’s and bypass the embarrassment of coming into your own a decade after everyone else did. this issue has haunted me for the past 2 years, waiting for myself to step up and take my own challenge. obviously not everyone is going to make the same decisions as i will, but it’s my fault for not doing them because they won’t. my finger just want to FLY across this keyboard, spewing out every thought that comes to mind. i can’t slow them down enough to differentiate whether or not they are self-deprecating or constructive criticism. i can’t differentiate between the two anymore, i’ve noticed. i do need girl time, as well as my alone time. my dream has come true: i live with gay boys and love each one of them more than i can ever express. i just need someone to listen to me rant and talk out my issues if i need them. that is my only complaint. i’d rather spend time with them than alone, and should i get the house to myself before our lease is up and we decide to go separate ways, fine. it makes no difference to me. i’ll be the same either way, and that’s a completely honest statement.
i feel like gia- in the metaphorical sense, of course, and minus the drugs. someone put on such a pedestal, under such pressure to perform and to succeed that i’m destined to crack. only in my case it’s purely self-inflicted.
**sidenote: anyone that reads my this blog on a regular basis, you must think i am a seriously depressed and fucked up individual. i am not, i just use this as an outlet to word vomit what i can’t verbally over-analyze to another depressed and also fucked up individual. ;D i kid, i kid.
moral of the story, i just need to get the ball rolling. i need to break the trend of not being able to say no to social situations because it will eventually get me in trouble.. again. soon i’ll be sane enough to be obsessed with life, rather than just to enjoy it, you know?
haha, first: for the record, i never thought you were seriously depressed. my blog is my outlet too. emotional and verbal vommit :-) I enjoy your honesty.
ReplyDeletesecond: i experienced a very similar transition. when i was ready to enjoy my life outside of the bar and sober, i felt like most of my friends weren't there yet. and guess what? some still aren't. i've since left those friends behind and gravitated people who are in the same place as i am.
my two cents: do what you need to do in order to enjoy and live life. take yourself out of the situations that are tempting and surround yourself with people you aspire to be like.
it's all about moderation & milking your weekend. the thing about now, that most people know whether they think about it or not, is that this is really the last time in life where it seems 'OK' to get trashed etc. It's not socially ok to be 40 & getting completely smashed every weekend, that seems kind of off. 22 isnt what it was even 10 years ago though too.. ppl arent getting married right away, therefore partying is extended, the fact that it's associated with college is kind of overdone.. ppl turn 21 & they want to go out/goto bars, they arent going to turn 22 and suddenly be over their new freedom - it's just the beginning. regardless if they're in college.. for those that didnt really party in high school, 4 years of "college partying" isn't very much, but it differs for everyone, different things force ppl to grow up.. but with a shitty economy & postponed family life, the bars are probably more packed because ppl have less responsibilities. Everyone's different though. Ppl get married earlier, some ppl wait, it's all about what you want.. but for me, being single/not having kids gives me every reason to enjoy it..because once you enter the family life, your social life definitely suffers, ya know? having to pay someone by the hour so you can go get drinks w/ a friend..or goto the store in peace. like that sucks. I rather enjoy it now than feel like i missed out on something when i'm older/have kids/cant go out as much. Also, i think it's where youre at/who you surround yourself with, obviously a lot of ppl we know are partying because they just graduated/dont have serious jobs or whatever, but i dont think that by them getting a serious job etc. it's going to sap their desire to party - obviously not as often, but growing up doesnt = serious job i dont think. maybe a serious job just aids in the process, but i think life just forces us to grow up, its not like we choose to or whatever, we just find different things to fill our time with, namely jobs, husband, kids, whatever.. my brother hasn't acted like he's "grown up", i mean he's successful/smart & has all his shit together/good job, but he lives like a younger person, but now at 42, he's being forced to settle down because Tasha is his priority & probably kids will be eventually, but he wouldnt have it any different. Some people live to have fun, some people live to work, some people do both, but it's just hard to point out any good examples within our friends/ppl we know of that have good jobs and still party. You can't be too hard on yourself, because you do have a job & work hard & pay for your life - its not your fault that we are now competing with all these unemployeed adults that have years of experience in the jobs we want. Time magazines cover story is about this, Oregon's unexployement rate is higher than it's been in 60 years - that sucks. anyway, hang in there! do what you love, love what you do, right? cant you have girltime with sarah or kelsey?? i will be in seattle soon enough, Brian is getting fri/sat/sun/mon off, which is good cuz i wanted those days, enough time to try to see "everyone"/eat at all my fav places :]
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