good times gonna come.

i wonder if, with some people, you only miss them because you miss the times you had with them- how things used to be. there are certain friends that i would give anything to spend more time with if our schedules worked out, but every time i do, the same things happen and i never have fun. every time i know i'm hanging out with them i get really excited and the events are really built up and everything, but it will never be how it was. it's kind of hard to wrap my head around, but undeniably true.

why do friendships have to dwindle into something that becomes stressful, like maintenance, all for the sake of saving it? things change, i know. i guess i have at least 2 friendships that have remained constant over an extended period of time; the dynamic is the same, we still get along, and we can go forever without talking to each other and have things be exactly the same when we talk or hang out again.

maybe it's a cleanse? i don't know. unfortunate and sad things end up the way they do, but that's when those few people who don't change [in a bad way] remind you that they mean the world to you.

the river.

graffiti covered walls and men sleeping up against them, blind to the constant movement outside their haven. hitmen meet their targets, dealers find their addicts- it's all the same. we blissfully lather in the life we've been handed, whether from pre-adolescent versions of ourselves to what we have unfortunately become now, or from the first of the chain of events to the pathetic figure holding himself in the middle of the floor because of the last.

we learn to adapt.

the current presses hard against our bodies and as much as we beg and plead we cannot move. restless in the unchanging state of "uncontrollable", we wait our turn to be carried away. for some, that place is a deafening roar of imperfections, stress, and consequences. mine is silence. i do not wonder how i got here. it's not a matter of why God did this to me. i am not searching for someone to blame. i simply wait to move.

to know yourself provides the definite impossibility to excuse yourself.