it's weird, i'm sitting here watching sex and the city and the only thing i can manage to think about is the emotional wreck that has defined my friendships. i find myself wanting, longing so much for these beautiful friendships to devote myself to and to just pour into, and yet i somehow come up short. i dont know if it's me, questioning myself to no end and becoming the person who i feel is needed, who fulfills the certain need of whatever friend needs me at the time.
is it me? or is it just what happens to people like me? i guess i consider myself a loyal person, pretty mindful of the people around me with a passion for nothing more than to just be that person to depend on. i love conversation. i love just talking and spending time with people, it's my love language. yet i still manage to find the friends which fulfill my want for conversation and time who only fall in the 'fair-weather friend' category. yes, i have fallen in that category before. who hasn't? but i'd like to think that loyalty will eventaully take over and i'll be there for my friends when they need me. maybe that's the problem, i can be the person who loves being there when people need them. i hate it, why is it that we get into these mindsets that unless someone expresses a dire need for a friend that tht is when we step in? friendship is a consistent relationship, one that is necessary at all times. it's the little things that friends fulfill for each other; stopping by on their way to class just to say hey, calling when they're bored and thought of you, making time to hang out and invest time and energy into them, and just paying attention. at least these are the things i notice. back to the whole understanding topic, that is what i truly value in a friendship.
so why is it that while i seem to be so good at critiquing and reasoning the strange behavior of the friends i seem to attract, i cannot seem to understand my own cycle of this attraction. yes it's tedious and frustrating and hurtful, but it's consistently reoccurring. WHY. that is what gets me. is it because i have been exposed or possibly been practicing this kind of behavior for so long, or simply the way i am or have become? usually i know myself, the way i am and why, but now this feeling of being unsure is kind of unsettling. to be suddenly jolted so hard that i question myself is a new phenomenon. maybe it is me, maybe i never knew myself and my idea of logic was completely off. that will be yet something else to get used to, and i'm not sure how i feel about it. change is usually something i'm open-minded to, something i can adjust to pretty smoothly. but to have my whole world asolutely shaken? yea.. about that.
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