It’s really interesting, I’ve always thought, how people live multiple lives. Don’t worry, I’m not criticizing, I do it too. But think about it- the person you are when you’re around family, when you’re around the friends that are outspoken and fun to be around, and the friends who you’re supposed to set an example for. I’ve always wondered which one I am, and why I can’t be that person no matter who I’m around. Is it because I can’t be the girl who struggles when I am with the people who look to me for answers or as a role model? I find myself knowing definite aspects about the person I am, but when I am with certain people those qualities are often sheltered as to not cause a conflict of personality. However, does that mean I have contradicting aspects in my personality? Call it petty or insignificant, but it’s one of those things that really make me wonder.
I have always been over-analytical. I over-analyze myself to the point where I know my faults, the reason why I do things- stupid and smart- and as a result I have come to understand why other people do the things they do. See, there is a difference between actually understanding something, and being understanding. The ones who are understanding are the infamous friends you go to and pour your heart out to, desperately seeking some type of affirmation or confirmation to their reaction to the situation, and reply by nodding their heads and seemingly identifying with whatever your dilemma may be. But once you think about it though, you realize that there actually is no way they truly can understand what your situation entails- the emotions your feeling, or the extent at which you are feeling them. Understanding, on the other hand, is obtained through experience and experience alone of a circumstance in which there is some common ground to that of which claim to understand. “Being understanding” scratches the surface; while understanding digs deeper.
I do not think I know everything, nor do I claim to understand and be able to identify with every situation that comes to me. Sometimes, all I can do is be understanding. It is when people attempt and claim to actually understand that gets me heated. No, you have never experienced this; therefore, you should not be telling me how to handle it. A person grows from their trials and must learn to pick themselves up by suffering through it, and sometimes alone.
Back to my self-analysis: it comes down to me being a spectator in my own life, basically. I watch the situations as they happen to me, but remove myself from the first person for the pure reason that emotion doesn’t get in the way of how I react to it. This is where the contradicting aspects of my personality come in. Naturally, no one wants to be exposed or vulnerable to hurt or pain, which is where walls come in rather handy. However, so much of me longs to be broken, willing to take the hurt and pain so I can actually embrace emotion and the feeling that comes with growing as a person. I want to lead, set an example, be a role model, but how can I be if I do not understand the pain that this person is experiencing, but I- having experienced the same thing- blocked out? It’s almost like you have to choose by process of elimination the person that you become. There rarely is anyone to guide you who knows you well enough, and can convince you beyond wanting to know it for yourself, to know what decisions should be made at what point in your life, and yet still allow you to be molded into who you could [ideally] be. It’s time to suck it up and understand- not be understanding of the fact- that this is your life; no matter how many you feel like you may be living or in front of how many different crowds you’re living them, you’re responsible for each one. Spectator or not.
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