the couldesack.

control is an easy thing to assume you have, until what you thought you had control over is suddenly ripped away from you. what's worse is wanting something you could potentially have control over, but know you shoudn't.

self control is something i was not blessed with the ability to willfully practice. i am naturally a very laid back, go-with-the-flow type of person, who see something she likes and goes for it. another thing i have come to the conclusion i fail at constantly is filtering these things; what will be good for me and what won't. it might as well be the equivalent to a shiny knife with no handle, that taunts you with the full knowledge that if you pick it up, there will be consequences. but how can you say no? it's so pretty. demented analogy, i know. but it happens to be the story of my life.

more specifically, my shiny objects of desire only lead to the same cyclical road each time. i know that once i pick it up, i can take the initial cut by simply outweighing the pain with the pleasure that i have obtained what i wanted. i carry it around with me, holding it more tightly each time around, until i happen to notice it's so tainted that it's not even pretty anymore. frustration sets in that it's not the object that i know is so pretty; i mean, i've seen it. i know for a fact that i have every reason to keep holding onto it because i know it's something i want. finally, after much convincing i set it down and convince myself it's not worth it; the pain now outweighs the desire. for now.

if only the cycle ended. without another shiny item to focus on, every time i come around and pass it, i see it and remember that at one time, it was mine. even if it wasn't, i got to hold it. it's like an addiction. and the knife, it's just sitting there, doing it's thing. nothing's really changed except your perspective of it, right? why not pick it up again, just because it's been a while since i've gotten to hold it- since it's been mine for the moment. the blood lost goes unnoticed. i mean, i still have alot to invest in the next shiny thing.

like everything that i seem to invest in that goes unreciprocated, the satisfaction of simply holding it, begins to fade after losing that much blood and going around and around. pretty soon, i have nothing left to give. it will take ages to replenish what i've lost, and i will sit and wait until i have the strength to once again reach out and succomb to the taunting once again.

and so it begins.