even flow.

We lay our bodies flat against the concrete floor of the cathedral in the middle of complete silence. Above me loomed old chandeliers and wooden slats that have been there for centuries, crossing over each other amidst the towering white columns, cracking in their old age and bearing the sounds of harmonious voices and countless stories told.

Then they started singing. My eyelids fell as I lay there, and a peace overwhelmed me that had been absent for too long. I’d been avoiding it, for reasons that I wanted to forget- or even dismiss for fear that the moment would pass before I had the chance to fully take it in. The only sounds were of people shuffling in, finding their spots on the same cold ground on which I no longer felt. Now was not the time to become emotional.

In the dim light, my mind began to churn. It’s what happens whenever I lay down, really. My body is finally able to rest from its constant movement and strains as my mental state transitions from its robotic routine that I have somehow forced it to habitually take on, to processing the things it wasn’t allowed to break and focus on before.

As their voices rose, they filled every crack and crevice of the cathedral, as well as my entire body. But they could not penetrate my mind. The peace my body felt, my mind blocked out as if it were the last time I would let it think. I had so carefully trained it to be selective and guarded, and now the one thing I longed for the most, I couldn’t bring myself to let in.

The harmonies and synchronized power of their words flowed throughout my head, yet I did not hear them. I felt the presence, yes, but I had worked too hard to avoid my emotions to let prayer through song penetrate the wall that stood strong- no, unbreakable- to crumble in the span of thirty minutes. Over what? Pent up thoughts and feelings from my past that I had already dealt with? My strength was what kept me going, what allowed me to live the way I so adamantly chose to live and to be the person I had become. Not now, not after this long.

I took a deep breath in as my mind tried to switch from compartmentalized to an expansive state. Old habits die hard, unfortunately, and I brought myself back to the present. The friendships I’d made and helped to grow into what they had become came to mind. My want to be there for them, to love and to invest in their lives firmly tugged on my heart. It is something I will always strive for, succeed and fail to do. It’s a strange concept to think that my heart can hurt so deeply for the people I care so dearly about, yet for myself I couldn’t scratch the surface even if I wanted to.

The cathedral stood over me, filling more and more with this presence- this peace that I felt all around, yet couldn’t bring myself to take in, and I slowly let the air out of my lungs. If only I had told you when I had the chance, when you were still here, when it wasn’t too late, that I had loved you more than any amount of words combined could express. My only wish now is that I won’t make the same mistake twice.

Training wheels. I’m back to stage one, but I’m learning once again how to be human.