farewell to you.

It’s a love hate relationship. It’s the flaky boyfriend that sometimes comes through when you realize that your life suddenly lacks structure, and It seems to be the only logical souse of stability you have to hold onto. Soon dependency turns into emotion, and emotion to complete devotion to this relationship in which you are giving your all but only receive the convenience of it all.

The pain seeps deeper and deeper as you invest more into finding some way to make things work, to be on the receiving end of love and appreciation, to reciprocate some sort of fulfillment to you. After all, it’s been your goal since day one. A commitment to give your whole self until the end, stopping at nothing until it is finally recognized.

But then there comes the moment when you have your goal in sight, where it’s so close you can touch it. Nothing motivates you more to push yourself harder, better, faster, stronger- full force until it’s yours. Excitement fills every crevice of who you are, for this has become your life now. All else aside, this is it. It’s then when they begin to talk about pursuing other goals, higher priorities, a more holistically-centered goal. Your sprint remains stagnant rather than the constant acceleration it was, and the less your counterpart looks at you, the slower you are able to move despite the fact that you’re pushing harder now. Make it look at you, show it you’re still dedicated- still willing to do anything all the same.

You’re starting to become, well, a risk. Ripping at the seams, I might even go as far to say.

I’ve given this everything, sacrificed more, and it was completely invalidated. The disclaimers you give right before the “but”, doesn’t cut it anymore, and all I have left are the things I left behind. I’m not sure if I’m in it just for the sake of being in it, or because I have convinced myself that I will actually be fulfilled someday. I hate the thought of quitting, accepting that I failed. But I’ve been here before, the point where it’s a one-sided relationship and it’s working only at my expense, and I can only go so long giving everything I have to receive nothing in return.

I’ll finish this one out- this one- because I don’t quit. I’ve committed to this season of my life and am held accountable to people other than myself, people who have invested in me and who depend on me. I would never take something unfortunate that happened to me and in turn, screw other people involved before I finished my time. So here’s to a good run, crew, but I’m through being your bitch.