broken.

For the first time in months, my emotions broke past the barrier I had worked so religiously to orchestrate around the calluses from my past. You would never know, because I have been dead to you for about two years now. It’s been easy on you because you had people who you knew wouldn’t fail you or hurt you the way I did. I didn’t know every time you would see me that you were trying your hardest to fight the screams urging to pour out, questions I couldn’t answer and actions I still can’t justify. There’s a point where someone can truly lose every ounce of respect and tolerance for, and I’m not proud when I say I’ve conquered that quest already. Don’t worry, you’re not the only one I’ve hurt throughout all this, countless relationships are forever lost because of the stubbornness and selfishness of one person. I have failed so many people and failed as a sister, daughter, friend, that it shows in my reflection when I stare into the mirror. The very freedom I craved then I would trade for bondage if that meant forgiveness and a chance to mend those relationships. You will hate me for a while, perhaps forever. You will mask it and pretend things are simply fine while proceeding to slam the door behind you in rage, but still you will insist there’s nothing wrong and you’re over it.

I sat alone outside for hours and cried helplessly as hard as my body would let me, utterly and completely helpless. And who was the one who made things the way they were- still are? The same one who pleads “helpless”, when in reality I was in full control when I made the decisions that I did. Sorry, no excuses or assuming the self-pity outtake. And to think that I was someone who always wondered why she was abandoned in friendships, why every time I became close to someone they grew tired of me and so unbelievably hurt me in ways I couldn’t imagine putting someone I cared about through. It was fun convincing myself that was true while it lasted. But reality is here now and I can’t play that card anymore. One of my biggest fears became that reality- failure. I can’t even blame this one of Satan either, regardless of his obvious stronghold on my life at the moment, for I put myself, and for the most part intentionally, into these situations. I took pride in the stupidest things and turned them into my identity- my “strength”, which turned out to be oblivion, my “unconditional love” which turned out screwing me over in ways I can never be healed from, and my ability to “not let emotion overrule logic”, which proved to me that I have a really twisted sense of logic that I should really consider abandoning this split second.

I have hurt the people that I love most in this world in order to uphold these fine attributes, and it earned me a solid two years of my life of more pain than I would ever want anyone else to experience. Loneliness is hard, neglect and abandonment is even harder, I know that… but healing and forgiveness, now those are hardest of all because they are those abstract emotions and feelings that one must accept.