It’s been a long time since I’ve seen the sunrise. Since May, actually. Now I sit on my porch, writing. I haven’t fallen asleep, although I’ve been trying since 3:00am. Cars on their way to work speed loudly on the main street in front of me, and I have lost myself once again. I don’t really know what to think about anymore, so I automatically resort to this- my outlet. It’s the only way I can get out exactly how I am feeling. I’m confused, broke, numb and utterly alone.
So much has happened in the last couple of weeks and I don’t know how to react to them. I moved into a place that doesn’t feel like home yet; and the support I once felt was so strong has dwindled into nothing. I don’t pity myself, not at all. I know I’ve gotten myself into everything that has happened and was fully aware going into it that the outcome wouldn’t be without consequence, but I definitely underestimated them.
I miss how things used to be, so smooth and fluid. I had a routine, a groove that I had down to a science. Wake up early, go through the motions of the day unaffected, then come home to friends and forget about it all over a cigarette and too many laughs to account for. Thinking about how different things could be after this, I am nothing short of terrified. I’ve slid by too many times it seems for yet another break, and yet I didn’t learn from them. I can be too stubborn for my own good, not just sometimes, but most of the time. I’ve lost track of the things I once put at the top of my priority list. I know this is too reminiscent of my last blog, but I guess this is just its sequel.
I wish I had a piano, it just seems appropriate for the slow, rhythmic movement my thoughts have chosen to travel in. I feel like it should be in a movie, playing the background as I walk aimlessly down a dimly lit street just as the sun rises. There is no sound, just the piano and camera panning across the different angles of my path. I feel like running on and on, maybe it’s away from everything, although you can’t run away from something that’s inside you. Trying to come up with things to distract me has usually worked in the past, it’s provided some sort of direction that I know to follow- a schedule. I wish I automatically knew what to do, how to respond to the fury of the countless unresolved situations I simply don’t know how to resolve. Things will work out; they always do, even if it’s not how I had wanted. But like I said before, I will have a path no matter what. It’s almost 6:00am now, and I’m too numb to be tired.
I wish I didn’t have to rely on other people to help pull me out of this, but I will come out alive because of it. I’ve already accepted every possible outcome for my circumstances- needing to go back and live at home until I get back on my feet, re-planning out my entire future around convenience only, or simply going on as if nothing happened. That’s when I wonder, if this time I’ve learned, if yet another break has blessed me or cursed me with either arrogance or utter gratefulness that I am still here. I refuse to shy away from living in a way where I feel sorry for myself that I am where I am, but rather embrace it with every intention of making the best of whatever happens, and dealing with the consequences accordingly. Sure, they will be different, but some things have to end to begin. I will welcome every opportunity still granted to me despite what happens, and cling for dear life what I still have through it all. I don’t want now should I need to be numbed to anything, I’ve done that for too long- sitting back prettily at the third person’s coveted position rather than take on the rightful first person’s spot front and center of it all.
So here I am.
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