detour.

all it takes is once.

i've gotten used to catching breaks ever since i was in high school; getting away with more than i should have, in turn never really learning. i was exempt from the consequences and therefore never faced with a real problem i couldn't get myself out of or shrug off as not a big deal. sure, i've had regrets- you're full of shit if you say you don't. yea, you might not be dwelling on them but that doesn't mean they don't or can't exist.

it's been awhile since i've had an experience where i've had to completely reevaluate my future and how my decisions determine the direction it goes. it's always been "wait it out, it'll pass", or i had an innate response that seemed to work, even if i was only dealing with it temporarily. but as i grow older, my choices carry more weight, the consequences either more harsh or rewarding, and less cushion to support the fall. it's not that i havent taken responsibility for my own actions before, my parents made sure that was instilled in my at a young age. but over the years i became a master of avoiding consequences- the wrap, i guess you could say, for the stupid shit. put enough guards up, you won't even feel it even if they do come. either or, experiencing the outcome hasn't been a priority.

it's funny, people who think of themselves as strong and completely put together, emotionally mature, nice and safely removed from situations that everyone around them seem to go through, how fast that fades when you get caught up in the act of feeling. sometimes being involved isn't a choice, it seems. either that or you don't see it going in that direction, and before you know it you're one of them. strength is easy when life's great. it's when you have no choice but to accept the fact that you fucked up and now need to step up and deal with it that you find yourself wondering how you got here.

relationships are funny things, you know? it's really intriguing to me how emotionally detached you can convince yourself you are, but find yourself subconsciously building expectations for the other person, only giving yourself reasons to get frustrated with them for not treating you right or meeting up to them. when things are good, they're great. then all of a sudden you realize that the scale's tilting more and more in their favor and your needs are all but satisfied.

some might understand the feeling, some won't. usually this happens when the relationship is undefined or communication just sucks. but usually, there's more expectations on one end than the other. it's not even that you necessarily want a relationship, it's the fact that they don't. i mean, why wouldn't they? you're a catch, a steal, the all around package, right? of course you are. it's worse if they know that and still stick around for the good times, getting away scot-free with every expectation fulfilled because you're trying to prove to them that you're worth the time- even if you don't know it. why not ditch them? well, that would mean they get away without giving you an explanation as to why the fact that you were available everytime they wanted to hang out, always answered the phone and texted back within 30 seconds. plus you actually like spending time with them- when it happens.

i'm the kind of girl who doesn't like to be pushy, not force my company on anyone or demand explanations as to why someone feels the way they do- especially if nothing's official. who wants to be the needy girl, or wants a needy girl? i always wanted to be one of the guys, really chill, laid back and low-maintenance. but i'm a quality time person. i like affirmation, knowing what the other person's thinking. cutting things off without getting closure is something i've never found easy. what's worse, feeling like if you cut things off, the other person's routine really isn't affected. they're not left just having to think about you, because who knows if they did before, and they can go about life as usual. when you slip in too deep is when saying no gets harder.

that's when exemption flies out the window. you find yourself sliding farther away from your plan- the path you always envisioned taking once you accomplished your goals. it's the little things that you once got away with that now prohibit you from moving forward, whether literally or emotionally. you've reached a fork where one road- your road- is now closed, and the other jets straight ahead, bypassing all of the things you intended to do before you went there. such is life, and now, you can no longer avoid the detours.