graduation could not come any sooner. here i am, yet again, in the art center listening to bloc party, ratatat, cat power, roisin murphy... all those bomb artists i pump when i wanna relax or am just not feeling like visualizing myself in some motivational sports video. here's a little update for all none of you that read this: i had a job. i had it and it was stripped away from me without me even knowing it. it was with seattle magazine doing design and production. they said they wanted me, they said i started on tuesday [this last tuesday], and when i waited for the call, email, anything, it never came. turns out they went with someone with more availablity... after they said yes whilst knowing my availability.
seriously guys. seriously.
it was one of those ground-breaking moments though, where i realized how much stress and emphasis i put on my career. when i found out i didn't get it after all, it felt like i was being broken up with. the only time i've ever been broken up with was my sophomore year in high school and it was in a note, but it was my first boyfriend so it stung pretty badly, duh. it was the same thought process though, where you center your entire world around your significant other and are subconsciously more than willing to drop anyone and everyone for the love of your life. i had developed that mindset over the course of the weekend. scary. i can't imagine what things are going to be like when i get an actual job. could you imagine if i ever got married? i'd be bridezilla for sure... good thing i'm not. and i wouldn't be bridezilla, so don't worry about it.
thinking about it though, it was too good to be true. i called the temp agency that i had applied to last summer [aahh, cue cold war kids 'hospital beds'] and asked if they happened to have any entry level jobs at the moment, that i was still receiving their emails but didn't have 3 years of professional experience under my belt. i left the message with the secretary and went back to eating wild ginger food in the box office.
she called me back about 5 minutes later and said they did have something, asked if my resume was current and if i had a portfolio i could send them. i had made one the night before [score] so i gave her the link and crossed my fingers the rest of my shift. i woke up around 10am the next morning with 3 missed calls, a voicemail and an email from her, begging me to call her back, that she had some excellent news. as i was about to, i saw she was calling again. she excitedly explained that they wanted to hire me, blah blah blah. i freak out, etc. etc.
the only thing that's racing through my head is "i am beating the system, defying all odds, and totally badass right now" mixing ever-so-slightly with a little "how the hell am i going to add something else on top of finishing my senior show, working at 3D, doing my internship, and school?" but the former was definitely more prevalent...
i'm trying to tell myself now that time in between is good, that i need to focus on the work that i have now so i can save up for a laptop and everything so i CAN work. i don' even want to think about all of the things i have to pay for in the near future: rent, deposit, laptop, the creative suites, etc..
it's gonna be a crazy summer. bring it.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Saturday, May 16, 2009
my quarter-life crisis.
i've recently discovered that despite the fact that i have always had a plan- some sort of plan at least, that i have absolutely no idea if i want to do design anymore. school is nothing like the professional world [and i knew that] but before, it was something that motivated me. now all i can really do is wonder if this is what i'm supposed to be doing. as busy as i feel life is sometimes, i feel completely lazy, as if i'd get eaten alive in the real world. i don't see eye to eye with so many people- too many people, that it scares me.
usually this is the point where people are reassured that they made the appropriate career choice, right? i'm not looking forward to my senior show, not looking forward to final projects with worthless professors who don't know the programs they are teaching despite the fact i'm paying 30 grand a year to be taught them. if anything this should just be reassureance that i can get a job because i actually do know them. i need a therapist, maybe an anger management session or 7.
my work ethic isn't as strong as i thought it was, which is a terrifying thought in itself. i'm not as exhausted as i should be, and my bank account doesn't reflect the hours i put in per week. to sacrifice time i could be spending working on design. where has it gotten me? nowhere. who knows if i need affirmation, a hug, or just to graduate already. at this point i could care less. i'm just over everything. who knows where i'll move- at this point it's looking like i'm staying in seattle, as torn as i am. maybe praying about it will help, it's been ages since i've done that.
getting a rockstar job offer somewhere awesome where i know absolutely no one and i can just lay out with my laptop and brainstorm over skype with someone who i don't want to punch in the face, like michaela. i've been reading the designer's guild to gain some kind of insight on what my rights are and everything as a designer [assuming i won't drop out of my 20-something days of school i have left] that i should know once i get out.
maybe i should direct everythig into typography. i love typography. i could develop my own fonts, be the next david carson or stefan sagmeister as far as being a fanatic goes. i don't like anyone else's rules anyway. it's not like i feel the pressure of people's expectations on me, i've never really been one to meet them anyway, or at least see them fitting me as a person. who knows. i sure as hell don't. maybe things will just fall into place. they usually do. i'm just not used to these crises at this magnitude. seems trivial, but for someone who has atleast engrained in her mind that she has her shit together, has goals, plans, this isn't working.
usually this is the point where people are reassured that they made the appropriate career choice, right? i'm not looking forward to my senior show, not looking forward to final projects with worthless professors who don't know the programs they are teaching despite the fact i'm paying 30 grand a year to be taught them. if anything this should just be reassureance that i can get a job because i actually do know them. i need a therapist, maybe an anger management session or 7.
my work ethic isn't as strong as i thought it was, which is a terrifying thought in itself. i'm not as exhausted as i should be, and my bank account doesn't reflect the hours i put in per week. to sacrifice time i could be spending working on design. where has it gotten me? nowhere. who knows if i need affirmation, a hug, or just to graduate already. at this point i could care less. i'm just over everything. who knows where i'll move- at this point it's looking like i'm staying in seattle, as torn as i am. maybe praying about it will help, it's been ages since i've done that.
getting a rockstar job offer somewhere awesome where i know absolutely no one and i can just lay out with my laptop and brainstorm over skype with someone who i don't want to punch in the face, like michaela. i've been reading the designer's guild to gain some kind of insight on what my rights are and everything as a designer [assuming i won't drop out of my 20-something days of school i have left] that i should know once i get out.
maybe i should direct everythig into typography. i love typography. i could develop my own fonts, be the next david carson or stefan sagmeister as far as being a fanatic goes. i don't like anyone else's rules anyway. it's not like i feel the pressure of people's expectations on me, i've never really been one to meet them anyway, or at least see them fitting me as a person. who knows. i sure as hell don't. maybe things will just fall into place. they usually do. i'm just not used to these crises at this magnitude. seems trivial, but for someone who has atleast engrained in her mind that she has her shit together, has goals, plans, this isn't working.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
bliss.
besides my childhood, there are not very many points in my life where i would go back and actually relive over again. there are times that are enjoyable and times that are pure ecstasy. as busy as i am right now, it's more of a realistic type of busy- the kind that i'll actually face in reality. nothing like the 'busy' that i knew in 2008. that was the kind of busy where i went o bed around 2am every night, only to wake up at 4 to work out for 2 hours. after a full day of classes i'd go to my second workout and then do homework until midnight with meals at 7eleven smashed somewhere in there. my body knew nothing of rest or relaxation. i felt like i was on crack for months at a time, only i never got to pass out for 5 days straight.
my apartment was bliss, although i was never there. if i had the chance to go home, i would. my roommates were 2 of my best friends- we respected each other, although you could never tell by how we talked to each other. we were invincible. for the majority of our lease, our apartment was surrounded by scaffolding and what appeared to be a giant condom of fireproof tarping. we would sit outside on the scaffolding laughing, drinking, photoshooting and talking about life. some of the deepest conversations i've ever had were on our porch staring through a whole i had knifed out so we could see the outside world- although they couldn't see us. and contrary to my appreciation of being the center of attention, i simply revelled in the fact that i was untouchable by any one who stood three stories down -although we peered through that whole several times to drunkenly call people waiting for the bus up to hang out with us.
the 3 of us, in D303. we went through similar situations at the same time, and ultimately grew so pissed off we trashed our entire apartment. we ripped papers off the walls and off of our coffee table, and destroyed the coffee table itself while we were at it. if anything covered a surface, we violently hurled it onto the floor. our entire living room was overturned when we stepped back and ordered take-out. so liberating, no boundaries and no worries. literally, we had no worries. a stray cigarette started a fire in the bushes below after we all passed out so we poured water off the balcony 6 hours later, someone sprayed tahitian breeze body wash all over our white couch so we doused it in bleach in our drunken state, they apartment manager sent a maintenance man who was challenged to the point no one could understand him, the fire alarm would go off every time we boiled water without fail, most of our furniture was found in the dumpster, walls covered in newspaper, meals consisted of bagels and cream cheese and mac and cheese- one pot each- which was still fought over, and the rest of the time we were blacked out.
i am convinced i will never have another experience like that. how can i? let me know if there is an apartment complex with a D303 and i'm there. if we're friends on facebook, look at my 'get stuck on my elevator' album. it's gold.
my apartment was bliss, although i was never there. if i had the chance to go home, i would. my roommates were 2 of my best friends- we respected each other, although you could never tell by how we talked to each other. we were invincible. for the majority of our lease, our apartment was surrounded by scaffolding and what appeared to be a giant condom of fireproof tarping. we would sit outside on the scaffolding laughing, drinking, photoshooting and talking about life. some of the deepest conversations i've ever had were on our porch staring through a whole i had knifed out so we could see the outside world- although they couldn't see us. and contrary to my appreciation of being the center of attention, i simply revelled in the fact that i was untouchable by any one who stood three stories down -although we peered through that whole several times to drunkenly call people waiting for the bus up to hang out with us.
the 3 of us, in D303. we went through similar situations at the same time, and ultimately grew so pissed off we trashed our entire apartment. we ripped papers off the walls and off of our coffee table, and destroyed the coffee table itself while we were at it. if anything covered a surface, we violently hurled it onto the floor. our entire living room was overturned when we stepped back and ordered take-out. so liberating, no boundaries and no worries. literally, we had no worries. a stray cigarette started a fire in the bushes below after we all passed out so we poured water off the balcony 6 hours later, someone sprayed tahitian breeze body wash all over our white couch so we doused it in bleach in our drunken state, they apartment manager sent a maintenance man who was challenged to the point no one could understand him, the fire alarm would go off every time we boiled water without fail, most of our furniture was found in the dumpster, walls covered in newspaper, meals consisted of bagels and cream cheese and mac and cheese- one pot each- which was still fought over, and the rest of the time we were blacked out.
i am convinced i will never have another experience like that. how can i? let me know if there is an apartment complex with a D303 and i'm there. if we're friends on facebook, look at my 'get stuck on my elevator' album. it's gold.
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