i've recently discovered that despite the fact that i have always had a plan- some sort of plan at least, that i have absolutely no idea if i want to do design anymore. school is nothing like the professional world [and i knew that] but before, it was something that motivated me. now all i can really do is wonder if this is what i'm supposed to be doing. as busy as i feel life is sometimes, i feel completely lazy, as if i'd get eaten alive in the real world. i don't see eye to eye with so many people- too many people, that it scares me.
usually this is the point where people are reassured that they made the appropriate career choice, right? i'm not looking forward to my senior show, not looking forward to final projects with worthless professors who don't know the programs they are teaching despite the fact i'm paying 30 grand a year to be taught them. if anything this should just be reassureance that i can get a job because i actually do know them. i need a therapist, maybe an anger management session or 7.
my work ethic isn't as strong as i thought it was, which is a terrifying thought in itself. i'm not as exhausted as i should be, and my bank account doesn't reflect the hours i put in per week. to sacrifice time i could be spending working on design. where has it gotten me? nowhere. who knows if i need affirmation, a hug, or just to graduate already. at this point i could care less. i'm just over everything. who knows where i'll move- at this point it's looking like i'm staying in seattle, as torn as i am. maybe praying about it will help, it's been ages since i've done that.
getting a rockstar job offer somewhere awesome where i know absolutely no one and i can just lay out with my laptop and brainstorm over skype with someone who i don't want to punch in the face, like michaela. i've been reading the designer's guild to gain some kind of insight on what my rights are and everything as a designer [assuming i won't drop out of my 20-something days of school i have left] that i should know once i get out.
maybe i should direct everythig into typography. i love typography. i could develop my own fonts, be the next david carson or stefan sagmeister as far as being a fanatic goes. i don't like anyone else's rules anyway. it's not like i feel the pressure of people's expectations on me, i've never really been one to meet them anyway, or at least see them fitting me as a person. who knows. i sure as hell don't. maybe things will just fall into place. they usually do. i'm just not used to these crises at this magnitude. seems trivial, but for someone who has atleast engrained in her mind that she has her shit together, has goals, plans, this isn't working.
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