gone fishing.

i move out in a couple days- 4 actually. i hate moving. although i could not be more happy to leave where i am right now, it means i have to accept loss.

last night i stayed up until about 7am trying to fall asleep [i ended up doing those scissor kick things in bed to the kevin rudolf/lil wayne song "let it rock" to entertain myself until i did- as if that was helping]. i went outside to watch the sunrise and listened to sufjan stevens as i stood in what would have otherwise been utter and complete silence. the city wasn't awake, the upstairs to our apartment was vacant.

if there's anything to say, if there's anything to do, if there's any other way, i'll do anything for you.

it's funny how friendships change over the years. some degrade into nothing, leaving you wonder what beyond the fact that you have fun with them keeps you going back, reincluding them into your life. there's those who started off as that random person who you bond with over something as simple as you both drink on a dry campus, hate the campus, and need a roommate, soon to develop into your network of people who you can text when you're bored and chances are, they're bored too. sure, why not live with her?

some friendships are simply effortless- they just... flow. i wouldn't even call it routine because it's just something you naturally gravitate to rather than mindlessly go through the motions in doing it. when comfort levels don't exist anymore and criticism is constant and constantly requested despite the strength or pride of the other person, THAT is fluidity. maybe i just got used to "swimming" for the past 3 years, and now that i'm getting out of the water i don't know if i like not being weightless anymore. maybe i'll like running on dry land for a little bit. it could be a new experience that could be exhilerating and completely random. i just wish i could combine the two worlds. maybe fishing, if you follow the metaphor?

what is there to answer if i'm the only one? morning comes in paradise, morning comes in light. still i must obey still i must invite. if there's anything to say, if there's anything to do, if there's any other way, i'll do anything for you.

cut past all metaphors and sufjan lyical bullshit: i am definitely the kind of person who likes to move around, switch things up every once and a while. i mean, i love being a drifter. it's almost against my personality to react like this, but i guess that says alot alot alot about our frienship that i even feel like this. despite all the walls i've put up for friendships and skepticism that went into it, i guess it's an exception? it is one of the only drama-free situations i have left. this is kind of big though, and it hasn't even hit me. it probably won't until we get to salem. it's not like the fluidity will stop, i know that. we'll always be friends [and roommates, regardless of whether or not we live together], texting obsessively and giving each other a play-by-play or the usual "TMI" little fun facts.

i'm just dreading accepting the fact that given how much i miss D303 already, not even having a piece of it in human form is going to suck. hard. i luh you dogg, and i miss you already.

daydreams.

i am unusually happy today. like, everything is making me smile. let me paint the situation for you: i am alone in the box office, talking on and off with a girl i met 2 nights ago about her relationship issues and how she needs to end it, listening to "heart" radio on pandora and totally ricking out to it [maybe that's it?], brainstorming logos for my friend's new business, olive only [organic potato ships made with olive oil], looking up fashion ideas for another friend's photoshoot that i'm doing her hair and make up for.

i don't know, maybe because i've been so miserable at work this past week with my life. i feel like a whale, like i'm working a dead end job with no light at the end of the tunnel [horrible metaphor but it was approriate for defining the emotion behind it], and like a magnet for other people's drama. i ordered this cleanse thing online because it was a free trial, and talked with a couple girls at work about how to cleanse everything.. i made a healthy food grocery list, did some sketches, and just keep rocking out to music. i want to make people laugh, i decided- or reconfirmed, rather.i love it, it is so fulfilling for me. who knows, i doubt i'm going to be the next stand up comedian but through one-liners, my art, my writing, my life in general. and being miserable = not being able to make people laugh because i can't myself. i feel productive at this very moment, for some reason. like if i were to sit down and start a project, i could stay for at least 12 hours and work on things before finishing.

it seems like it's been forever since i feel like i've legitimately accomplished something. my friend kate is an aspiring rapper, and she's good too. i wrote her a few lines because i was bored at the front desk last night, and she was obsessed. she's heading over right now to brainstorm different ideas with me. i like having a full schedule. i'm tired of going out/having enough TIME to go out. it's not that i don't like it, it's that i feel like i could be doing so much more with my time that it's more of a guilt issue than anything else. plus i should be saving more...

this is how i envision my career life: hanging out in my studio or somewhere that i feel particularly creative, and just research and sketch until i come up with something i enjoy, watch/listen/read tutorials if i want to learn something new, shoot images and emails back and forth to either clients or a friend [probably michaela] whose judgment i trust and just ACCOMPLISH things. do what i love doing and fucking rock at doing it. i wouldn't mind doing some writing either..

i'd love my own studio, or some form of co op with a friend so we could work together or at least not be just alone. although i might enjoy that.. i'm thoroughly enjoying myself right now. there's a time where you don't want anyone else's voive in your heaad, and there's a time when you can't stand the sound of your own bec ause you've deemed it retarded for the day. so true.

i need to work more morning box office shifts. i forgot how amazing they could be. let the cleanse begin!

acid rain.

i hear the sound of pouring rain, the unsettled leaves plastered to the ground.
forever is being washed away, and i'll drink to that.
welcome to paradise, my love, perhaps we'll get it next time 'round.
with water dripping off my skin, i close my eyes to breathe.
today i leave you for another, your eyes now heavy and blind.
the door is rusting shut, but this is not the sound of new rain.
stacks of old cables hold you back yet again, your love no longer mine.
i won't look back, i promise, for i will not be paralyzed like you.
reveling in your pride, you can smile upon the binds cutting your wrists.
they're the only thing you have left, besides the scars they'll leave.
i walk alongside the water as it streams down the pavement, clenching my fists,
wanting nothing more than to free you from yourself- perhaps another day.

good times gonna come.

i wonder if, with some people, you only miss them because you miss the times you had with them- how things used to be. there are certain friends that i would give anything to spend more time with if our schedules worked out, but every time i do, the same things happen and i never have fun. every time i know i'm hanging out with them i get really excited and the events are really built up and everything, but it will never be how it was. it's kind of hard to wrap my head around, but undeniably true.

why do friendships have to dwindle into something that becomes stressful, like maintenance, all for the sake of saving it? things change, i know. i guess i have at least 2 friendships that have remained constant over an extended period of time; the dynamic is the same, we still get along, and we can go forever without talking to each other and have things be exactly the same when we talk or hang out again.

maybe it's a cleanse? i don't know. unfortunate and sad things end up the way they do, but that's when those few people who don't change [in a bad way] remind you that they mean the world to you.