what's my age again?

i love my job. i really do. i love being pulled in every different direction and actually being good at it. i love the stress and chaos of it all, it's an adrenaline rush to me. people have been talking about making me a server [i work at the triple door]. finally, some affirmation. don't get me wrong, i have no intentions of being a "lifer" in the restaurant biz, but to see how much money people make here, walking with hundreds and hundreds of dollars in a night just for interacting with people, giving them some buddha rolls and chicken pad thai and a martini while they watch a show.... i just thought of how i could have made this whole blog into some huge metaphorical blurb, personifying the lights and everything. obviously i decided against it. creative writing is fun, but i'm in the mood to be blunt.

i want to make a 5 year plan. i want to be a 22 year old with the maturity level and responsibility of someone who's 30. i've been told i seem more matura than someone who's 22. don't get me wrong, just because of my last blog about not focusing purely on making money and being successful doesn't mean i don't want to work for it. obviously i need some kind of cushion if i plan on doing anything remotely pro bono. ultimately it's an issue of a lack of faith for me. i am a control freak. there, i admit it. never have i put my trust entirely in God. now my parents, on the other hand, moved up from palm springs to portland without a job or having our house sold. i would have never in a million years been so bold. it terrifies me. whitney was trying to convince me to move to portland at i wouldn't because i didn't have anything lined up job-wise for when i moved. granted, my rent is way cheap up here, i know seattle and whatnot, but that's besides the point.

speaking of besides the point, back to my 5 year plan. let's just do this on the fly right now. i'll go by "rent" years, so from august to august. i'll even break it down to seasons. by winter i want to definitely have my laptop, if not by fall. by spring i'll have the adobe creative suites [and be 20 lbs lighter. jk], as well as $1000 saved up in a trust fund to just sit there, untouched and gain interest for when i'm old and fat and want to move to the editerranean. i'll add periodically so i can have cocktails when i lay my 60-year old ass out in a g-string. just kidding.

next summer i'll be deciding where to move. maybe africa, south america, australia? as nice as living alone would be, there's nothing like coming home to someone being there, or knowing that someone's coming home to talk to. i'm not a huge fan of being alone. minor setback i guess, but then you could always have people over? nah it's just be cheaper to split the rent and have a roommate. ok enough monologue. focus amy, focus. regardless of where i choose to move, i will be designing. no restaurant job- at least as a primary source of income. who couldn't use more money for that trust fund? i will definitely be moving out of seattle, i decided. i want to live internationally, so i will do it. get a work visa, eventually dual citizenship and gain some cultural experience, learn a language- preferably italian or spanish.

year 3. i want to start a campaign or organization, whether it's the "outside the lines" idea or not. i want something to be my name attached to it, my baby. in the words of three6mafia: "no i can't live my life, working those 9 to 5's, no matter what they say, i'm doin' it my own way. cause time ain't on my side, they don't understand, forget what people say, i'm doin' it my own way." how non-conformist, three6. i want to be living in one of 2 extreme living conditions: the downtown area of a big city in a stainless steel/white apartment, or in the middle of some secluded foreign country living the same way as the people i'm interacting with. i do want to do the second at one point in my life, the length of time has not yet been determined. i'll keep you posted though.

year 4... and 5. not really too sure about that one. maybe mine is just a 3 year plan? years 4 and 5 can just be continued off of those first 3 and further evaluations and goal assessments to be based off of those experiences. i really am a very goal-oriented person. it's good to break it down to seasons though for me because that's a lot more tangible benefits-wise than on a yearly basis. fall is just around the corner. a laptop should be no problem, especially since i will be picking up a few odd jobs here and there, and with my tip checks SIGNIFICANTLY larger now that i'm down in the theatre as opposed to hosting. i can make it happen if i don't get sidetracked or screwed over.. again.

something about growing up is exciting to me. people say that 20's is the prime. i don't even feel like i look like an adult, dude. i wonder how long it takes to transition from college student to young professional looks-wise? i'm retarded, i do realize this. i don't know i just see so much appeal in being considered a responsible human being and doing something that actually benefits other people besides gracing them with my presence, friendship, blah blah blah. the college years is such a selfish time in life, and i guess everything preceding it too. it's just how you're wired because you've been given everything, had everything provided for you, and just have basic immature desires.. wanting to fit in, party hard to break down social inhibitions and wear the latest styles, etc. it's fun and all, don't get me wrong, i mean who doesn't want to blame their being too forward on the simple fact that you were drunk? it seems to erase all responsibility anyway. dude, seriously, what is so wrong with people that no one can accept responsibility for anything?? i can't stand it. [this is quickly turning into a rant]. seriously, please tell me the appeal of being perceived by everyone else in society as the demographic who is convinced that "real world" is the actual real world. companies have unfortunately had to stoop to that level to capture our .345 second attention span by slapping something shiny and superficial onto a billboard, and it's a multi-million dollar fad. it's an irreversible trend that's only spiraling downward into a black hole of social degradation.

let me know when this season of "reality" is over. thanks.

down to section 8.

i haven't spent a dime since wednesday. not exactly by choice- the financial shit of my life hit the economic fan. just when i thought i was on top of everything, too.. seriously, rent wasn't going to be even remotely a problem, my tip checks haven't even begun to reflect the work i've put in as an SA [server's assistant] downstairs in the theatre, and i will be going into overtime this week. but no, i have to go through hoops to avoid bullshit that could have been avoided without pressing that damn "click here to start free trial" button. of course you did, amy, of course you did. fool.

anyway, i'm crossing my fingers in hopes that i get tipped out even though i was training as an SA those sold out nights. if not i'm nothing short of fucked, to be quite frank. we just signed up for cable [which i have no desire for] with a dvr, internet, and a land line. i'm not looking forward to seeing the water bill, seeing as someone's doing laundry literally every day. i'm trying so hard to not stress out. i know i'll be fine, i know i will. i might have to post up on aurora for a week or 4- just kidding- but i'll make ends meet. this is just a set back.

like i first said, due to this experience, i have not spent one dime [from my debit card, mind you... i've found a dollar here or there and gone crazy on a coca-cola]. all the things i gravitate towards when i do have money are things i can't have now. if i'm starving about to start seizing because my stomach is eating itself, i can have rice because i am terrified of the dreaded overdraft fees. yes, i have a positive balance but who knows if something will sneak up on me. so i'm a little paranoid, alright? it was probably good for me. but yea, it really
puts into perspective how unnecessary certain things i've gotten used to as "necessities" actually are. for example, more often than not, when i get off of work and need to kill a half hour before my bus comes, i try and linger awkwardly at the bar so i'm either: a) not pacing around the lounge like an idiot, or b) sitting at the sketch bus stop amidst a swarm of homeless people screaming at the world. after the awkward phase passes [3 minutes], i take a breath of reality and sit down and order a drink. the employees take up an entire half of the bar usually so i'm not alone at least. but now what do i do to kill time without being awkward or spending anything? impossible, yet spending isn't an issue so i resort to being awkward. --p.s. if this was an actual conversation most of my friends would be really irritated with me at the fact i could have said most of this paragraph in one sentence. just an fyi.

money is a bitch, have it or not. it either creates a comfort blanket that make you whine when you catch a little draft, or it leaves you out in the cold to only lust for it. don't get me wrong, i don't think that due to my personal situation, i know anything about poverty. my sisters and mom went on mission trips to etheopia and have seen true poverty. i will make no complaints as far as that goes. it would almost be interesting to weigh out what exactly we do and don't need. we live so lavishly here in america, it almost pisses me off. oh, for things to be simple. it's almost something to be envious of them for. they have shelter, whatever food they work for and it doesn't come from a drive through, and each other. i've been looking into working internationally. doing what, who knows, but i want to do something like that... test my comfort levels and get a little reality check in the process. i've decided i'm going to go to etheopia and help the adoption agency.

my roommate whitney [she'll always be my roommate, despite whether or not we actually live together] fosters dogs when she can. giving how much she loves dogs, i can't imagine how it feels to give them back. gonig over there and interacting with those kids will break my heart, for sure. it's about time i got a little emotional, a little passionate about something besides money and success. one thing whit says to dispute my workaholicism is simply that life is too short. i am obsessed with children, therefore i should be working with children because i am actually beyond good with them. my sisters are too. i guess, come to think of it, my parents are too. must run in the fam cause my dad and i are the only ones left who need to go.

i created a campaign for my senior capstone class with creating a campaign for underpriveleged children. it would be an organization that teams up with big companies like american apparrel or nike, etc., and takes the art of children in situations such as those in africa, and prints them on t-shirts to raise awareness about children being able to express themselves via art. people who buy the shirts in turn support the orphanage the child came from. when the child turns 18, the profits --which have been in a trust fund gaining interst since they were X years old-- will go towards an education or some means of furthering their opportunities in life. i name it "outside the lines" but who knows if that will stick. i'll have to do some intense research because i know nothing about starting an organization or anything like that. maybe i'd recruit siobhan for that, she's the queen of fundraising and benefits, etc. anyway, that's my epiphany. i had every intention of making this blog simply about the complexity of money and how unnecessary certain comodities were. turns out i just figured out what i feel i'm called to do with my life. funny how God works like that. ;D

caution tape.

i'm just to go on about my new apartment. seriously though, to be able to feel home in the place which i am paying rent is beautiful. i have superb water pressure, walking distance to a bar, multiple grocery stores, coffee shops etc. the boys are great, i am totally the house mom though. not in a bad way, but i find myself.... brace yourselves - cleaning. i'm pretty sure it's just because it hasn't registered that it's my apartment yet, but still, it kind of weirds me out. as soon as everything is actually put away and organized i'm sure i won't be doing it as much, but in the meantime everything is just so cluttered i can't stand it. it's kind of a bittersweet feeling, realizing that after such a long run of clutter and being completely unorganized that you actually enjoy things being clean.

i'm hoping that this year proves to be one of truly growing up. besides the fact that i'm on my own and completely independent [no grandpa paying for my education or rent], i'm living with guys- gay ones at that- who i could not love more. i do miss whitney though :[ it's funny how one person not being there all of a sudden throws off your whole routine almost. for example, i've gotten used to coming home and running into her room and staying up 'til 4am just shooting the shit. it's going to be weird not having girl time [i realize this sounds disgustingly sentimental but just think about it]. not even girl time, becasue i usually enjoy hanging out with guys alot more than with girls. it's just not whitney, aka my life partner, i decided.

i hope i change, i really do. i am not one of those people who is opposed to change whatsoever. sure, it throws you off of your regular routine, but it's healthy i think. you get stuck in your ways when it goes on and on foreevvvveeerrrr without any sign of ceasing. it develops into a comfort zone that you can't break out of and before you know it you're 40 and have been working in a cubicle that you can barely fit a keyboard for your computer, all while hating every minute of it. i don't know what my comfort blanket is necessarily, but i'm sure i have my own things that i tend to refuse to stray from. i want to be more adventurous, yet at the saem time more successful. does that mean travel for work? i need to get a good job first...

who knows. maybe i just need a therapist.