Why is it that I, someone who is somehow viewed as a leader among the majority of my groups of friends as well as on my floor, do not possess the qualities that I as a person would look for in a leader? To say that my time management skills are lacking would be an understatement, my emotions have abandoned me- no, more like I have banished them, and I am constantly contradicting myself and everything I have worked to become.
Why is it? If I am this leader then why are my friends more unpredictable than Seattle weather? I always envisioned a leader and someone who attracts people, has this magnetic personality and willingness to- to, I don’t even know, but do something meaningful. I don’t expect to not have problems, I really don’t, but I am tired of being this leader and not reaping the benefits from it.
It’s been a while since I’ve talked to God, a while since I’ve been willing to surrender so much as an exam or quiz to Him. I’m stubborn, probably just for stubbornness’ sake, because I know I can’t outwait God. Hell, He waited for millennia for me to even get here, much less deal with me. So what am I proving to myself, this whole trying to outwait God? Is stubbornness a quality of a leader? I give up. I’m so exhausted, mentally and physically. I’m tired of being logical and analytical, and more than anything I’m tired of being let down, which caused me to even get here. And now, I don’t care, I’m going to bed.
There is nothing I despise more than a fair weather friend. Nothing. They are those who hear through the grapevine that something happened in your life or that you’re pissed off, and suddenly they run into you, exclaiming that it’s been a while and that you absolutely need to hang out soon and catch up. No, actually, you just want the satisfaction of being there when you’re needed, unbeknownst to you that that is a full time commitment. Oh wait, you already have your set group of friends, the ones you vent to me about being flaky or hurtful, never around. Wake up. You have no clue what you’re doing to me. Because while there is nothing I despise more than a fair weather friend, there is not a lot in this physical world I value more than a friendship.
I’ve always been a pretty logical person, someone who analyzes the situation before flipping out or analyzes it by flipping out. And now it has gotten to the point where I am able to take my situations as they come, and to take them emotionally detached. Sure that may not be a very swell way to go about life, that it may come back and bite me in the ass, but let’s be honest here, chances are I won’t feel a thing.
You know, no matter how hard I convince myself I am or can be, overall, my love for people comes through. I can be completely infuriated, wanting to go off on someone, but then I see them, happy and then I hug them, and it just melts away. It’s a rough exterior and that is my means of brokenness. It sucks, but at least I know I still got it.
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