gone fishing.

i move out in a couple days- 4 actually. i hate moving. although i could not be more happy to leave where i am right now, it means i have to accept loss.

last night i stayed up until about 7am trying to fall asleep [i ended up doing those scissor kick things in bed to the kevin rudolf/lil wayne song "let it rock" to entertain myself until i did- as if that was helping]. i went outside to watch the sunrise and listened to sufjan stevens as i stood in what would have otherwise been utter and complete silence. the city wasn't awake, the upstairs to our apartment was vacant.

if there's anything to say, if there's anything to do, if there's any other way, i'll do anything for you.

it's funny how friendships change over the years. some degrade into nothing, leaving you wonder what beyond the fact that you have fun with them keeps you going back, reincluding them into your life. there's those who started off as that random person who you bond with over something as simple as you both drink on a dry campus, hate the campus, and need a roommate, soon to develop into your network of people who you can text when you're bored and chances are, they're bored too. sure, why not live with her?

some friendships are simply effortless- they just... flow. i wouldn't even call it routine because it's just something you naturally gravitate to rather than mindlessly go through the motions in doing it. when comfort levels don't exist anymore and criticism is constant and constantly requested despite the strength or pride of the other person, THAT is fluidity. maybe i just got used to "swimming" for the past 3 years, and now that i'm getting out of the water i don't know if i like not being weightless anymore. maybe i'll like running on dry land for a little bit. it could be a new experience that could be exhilerating and completely random. i just wish i could combine the two worlds. maybe fishing, if you follow the metaphor?

what is there to answer if i'm the only one? morning comes in paradise, morning comes in light. still i must obey still i must invite. if there's anything to say, if there's anything to do, if there's any other way, i'll do anything for you.

cut past all metaphors and sufjan lyical bullshit: i am definitely the kind of person who likes to move around, switch things up every once and a while. i mean, i love being a drifter. it's almost against my personality to react like this, but i guess that says alot alot alot about our frienship that i even feel like this. despite all the walls i've put up for friendships and skepticism that went into it, i guess it's an exception? it is one of the only drama-free situations i have left. this is kind of big though, and it hasn't even hit me. it probably won't until we get to salem. it's not like the fluidity will stop, i know that. we'll always be friends [and roommates, regardless of whether or not we live together], texting obsessively and giving each other a play-by-play or the usual "TMI" little fun facts.

i'm just dreading accepting the fact that given how much i miss D303 already, not even having a piece of it in human form is going to suck. hard. i luh you dogg, and i miss you already.

daydreams.

i am unusually happy today. like, everything is making me smile. let me paint the situation for you: i am alone in the box office, talking on and off with a girl i met 2 nights ago about her relationship issues and how she needs to end it, listening to "heart" radio on pandora and totally ricking out to it [maybe that's it?], brainstorming logos for my friend's new business, olive only [organic potato ships made with olive oil], looking up fashion ideas for another friend's photoshoot that i'm doing her hair and make up for.

i don't know, maybe because i've been so miserable at work this past week with my life. i feel like a whale, like i'm working a dead end job with no light at the end of the tunnel [horrible metaphor but it was approriate for defining the emotion behind it], and like a magnet for other people's drama. i ordered this cleanse thing online because it was a free trial, and talked with a couple girls at work about how to cleanse everything.. i made a healthy food grocery list, did some sketches, and just keep rocking out to music. i want to make people laugh, i decided- or reconfirmed, rather.i love it, it is so fulfilling for me. who knows, i doubt i'm going to be the next stand up comedian but through one-liners, my art, my writing, my life in general. and being miserable = not being able to make people laugh because i can't myself. i feel productive at this very moment, for some reason. like if i were to sit down and start a project, i could stay for at least 12 hours and work on things before finishing.

it seems like it's been forever since i feel like i've legitimately accomplished something. my friend kate is an aspiring rapper, and she's good too. i wrote her a few lines because i was bored at the front desk last night, and she was obsessed. she's heading over right now to brainstorm different ideas with me. i like having a full schedule. i'm tired of going out/having enough TIME to go out. it's not that i don't like it, it's that i feel like i could be doing so much more with my time that it's more of a guilt issue than anything else. plus i should be saving more...

this is how i envision my career life: hanging out in my studio or somewhere that i feel particularly creative, and just research and sketch until i come up with something i enjoy, watch/listen/read tutorials if i want to learn something new, shoot images and emails back and forth to either clients or a friend [probably michaela] whose judgment i trust and just ACCOMPLISH things. do what i love doing and fucking rock at doing it. i wouldn't mind doing some writing either..

i'd love my own studio, or some form of co op with a friend so we could work together or at least not be just alone. although i might enjoy that.. i'm thoroughly enjoying myself right now. there's a time where you don't want anyone else's voive in your heaad, and there's a time when you can't stand the sound of your own bec ause you've deemed it retarded for the day. so true.

i need to work more morning box office shifts. i forgot how amazing they could be. let the cleanse begin!

acid rain.

i hear the sound of pouring rain, the unsettled leaves plastered to the ground.
forever is being washed away, and i'll drink to that.
welcome to paradise, my love, perhaps we'll get it next time 'round.
with water dripping off my skin, i close my eyes to breathe.
today i leave you for another, your eyes now heavy and blind.
the door is rusting shut, but this is not the sound of new rain.
stacks of old cables hold you back yet again, your love no longer mine.
i won't look back, i promise, for i will not be paralyzed like you.
reveling in your pride, you can smile upon the binds cutting your wrists.
they're the only thing you have left, besides the scars they'll leave.
i walk alongside the water as it streams down the pavement, clenching my fists,
wanting nothing more than to free you from yourself- perhaps another day.

good times gonna come.

i wonder if, with some people, you only miss them because you miss the times you had with them- how things used to be. there are certain friends that i would give anything to spend more time with if our schedules worked out, but every time i do, the same things happen and i never have fun. every time i know i'm hanging out with them i get really excited and the events are really built up and everything, but it will never be how it was. it's kind of hard to wrap my head around, but undeniably true.

why do friendships have to dwindle into something that becomes stressful, like maintenance, all for the sake of saving it? things change, i know. i guess i have at least 2 friendships that have remained constant over an extended period of time; the dynamic is the same, we still get along, and we can go forever without talking to each other and have things be exactly the same when we talk or hang out again.

maybe it's a cleanse? i don't know. unfortunate and sad things end up the way they do, but that's when those few people who don't change [in a bad way] remind you that they mean the world to you.

count your blessings.

i'm beyond excited to move, get out of my shithole of an apartment that's infested with spiders and constantly invaded by ants. sick. don't get me wrong, moving out is going to be a bittersweet experience, for sure. but i'm hoping that i will be more focused on my goals, etc. i think i'm going to get a laptop this weekend when i go to oregon with whit. my parents are putting $500 towards it so it won't be a problem, and michaela's letting me have her copy of the suites [well, letting my copy them] for FREE.


it's hard for me to realize how blessed i am sometimes. well, more so easy to forget than hard to realize. but seriously, i remember in high school i used to bitch and complain how strict my parents were, which yes was suffocating and drove me absolutely crazy-insane, and i rebelled enough for my entire family tree combined. yes, my family is that conservative, but i think it took being raised at one extreme for me to find me. i didn't rebel hardcore or completely fuck my life up, i just arrived at different conclusions than everyone expected. i was reading my mom's blog, a woman who is so well-grounded and ultimately one of the most hilarious people you'll ever meet, and it's interesting to hear about the things going on when we hardly ever talk unless something needs to be talked about. i need to work on my temper. my fuse has gotten shorter and shorter, and i truly sympathize for anyone happen to be holding a conversation [aka, the ticking time bomb that is me] when the fuse runs out.


i just need to not take things for granted. i seem to do that more often than not, and then freak out when my equilibrium is thrown off, even slightly. i am addicted to chaos it seems, which naturally contradicts my obsessive goal-oriented tendencies. way to be unconventional amy, way to be. i never would have predicted that i would be saying this now, but i am so so grateful to have grown up in a "frugal" lifestyle. we ordered from the dollar menu when we went out to eat, once a month or so. we had hand-me-downs, and not only within the family but from our babysitters. it has seriously made me so aware of other people's financial situations, and just more sensitive to other people in general and being able to read their comfort levels. then i can swoop in, interject, and make their day. ;D


back to my blessings, besides the fact that i don't have a career job at the moment, i can't really complain except that i'm not independently wealthy... i kid, i kid. but seriously, i just got approved for a new apartment with a rad view of the sound, i get to go home for the 4th and spend some much needed time with the fam and whitney- probably half and half. i'm going to get a laptop while i'm down there, tax free of course, and getting the adobe creative suites for free! i need something to save up for next... i always need goals otherwise i'll blow my money on food and drinks. i do that anyway, but that's besides the point.


i've decided i'm going to decorate my bedroom, once we move in, with typography. i know, how much more of a nerd can i possibly be. i'm going to depend on my knack to get furniture for free to furnish the entire apartment, and i want to buy more things that i'll keep with me as i move: kitchen stuff, sweet pieces of art that i've made or am just obsessed with, lots of nike, random furniture, odds and ends that are "really me", you know the drill. anyway, i genuinely hope that i don't completely drop every friendship that i developed in college, that at least 5 weren't convenience friendships. my mom is still best friends with her best friends from college, i call them my aunts. they were both there when i was born. that is something i can only hope and pray for.

somewhere, over the rainbow.

it's funny what 3am conversations can bring out, make you think about. after a free jolly rancher shot and a couple vodka sodas, amanda, aj, and i made our way over to beth's for coffee and a cinnamon roll. she tells me she's going to write a book on christian hatred, wondering where tolerance has gone.

brilliant.

i graduated this past sunday, june 14th, and there were protesters outside from westboro baptist church claiming that God hates gay people, and that we're all going to hell for being methodist. i personally am not, but let's be real here, it's not like they would take that into consideration before making these claims.

this is why people hate christians, because of these radically opinionated and terrible assholes who throw around the name, judging everyone they come into contact with while tainting christianity for everyone. this is the stigma that can't be shaken either.

i personally am not very religious. i have my beliefs, definitely, but i approach it very open-mindedly and in relation with society. there are certain things i have questioned that have changed my mindset since my sunday school days, and most of those things have lead me to simply leave it unanswered, because i just don't know how i feel about my faith, or what's left of it, if they were one way or another.

i would be absolutely horrified if i even knew someone as judgmental as the "christians" who decided to grace my graduation ceremony with their presence. who do you think you are? the thing that pisses me off the most is that that is not witnessing. some of my best friends are gay, and i LOVE them. i'm moving in with 3 gay guys, and feel absolutely no conviction about it. i don't understand why people are so scared of opening their minds and branching out to break the stigma. who are you to judge, to look down upon them as if all sin wasn't equal? i'm so, so tired of it. i shouldn't be ashamed to associate myself with the christian belief because of a stereotype that is actually more accurate than it's given credit for.

i remember growing up and hearing about early christians being persecuted and tortured for their beliefs. is this revenge or something? i hate how when people feel discriminated against and like the minority, they feel the need to rise not just to equality, but above. it's everyone: racism [except against white people- everyone's still getting back at them for some reason], feminism, sexual orientation, politics, etc. you see all these protests and everything providing nothing but discrimination against those who discriminated them first. now we have status quo. qualifications are no longer what are important, what matter, no see everything has to be proportionate- not equal, mind you, but proportionate. bullshit.

my cousin just denounced her faith in God completely. in turn, she makes fun of them, ridiculing everything that they stand for, believe in, everything. in a way, it can be understood, when they behave in such a way as those loving people from westboro baptist. but in a way isn't she just turning around and doing the same thing she's accusing christians of doing? maybe people are just bred to hate. we're brought up, especially now, with causes being shoved down our throats: going green, abortion, vaccinations, third world hunger, adoption, etc. don't get me wrong, it's not that i oppose any of them by any means, but people are just constantly pressured to be for something. standing up for what you believe is admirable, don't get me wrong, but you don't see me standing outside of adidas screaming that nike is better and i enjoy their soccer shorts more. why is that? because nobody cares. just like nobody cares if you think they're going to hell because they are wired differently.

i like to be an efficient person in pretty much everything i do. if i want change, i'll do it in an efficient manner. protesting never accomplishes anything other than a spectacle for people to roll their eyes at, a stronger distaste toward the subject, and traffic. who knows, maybe if everyone didn't have to be so strongly for these causes, the hatred would go down. open-minded and apathetic. the whole apathetic concept may raise a few hairs as far as a lack of commitment goes, but perhaps conflict would settle down. look at me, trying to accomplish world peace, one blog at a time.... revolutionary, really.

tolerance has fled, love has been limited, and christianity as it was intended to be seems rare. maybe beth's coffee and cinnamon rolls is the real answer here. see you there past 2am on any given night.

the metronome.

i have had the urge to play the piano a lot lately. it helps me think, process, analyze. it sets the tempo for your thoughts, almost leading them along as your thought process falls naturally into place. perhaps that's just me.

maybe that will end up being my niche once i start my career of some sort. instead of words, ideas will rhythmically fall into place in artistic form, as my marketing/design oriented mindset send ideas simply flying to the tempo of a piano. of course, they would be completely unconventional and rebellious to any design norms as far as aesthetic is concerned. maybe i'll become a writer for some design firm. i'll have to email wexley. maybe i can move my way through the whole firm by the end of the summer, at the rate i'm going.

it feels so strange not being busy other than working. no homework any more, no all-nighters that aren't self-induced spent in the solemn white walls of the art center, scrambling to finish projects the professor decides aren't worth actually looking at. i usually spent most of those nights listening to rap/hip hop rather than piano music though, so perhaps that was my problem. action scripting probably would have been a breeze.... oh, hindsight.

pianos should really be in marching bands, i think. a baby grand planted half-field, the rest of the band circling around it, as the pianist comes in at just the right time with pounding accents and some relief from the brass section. i would enjoy that much more than your conventional college band at half time of a big game. switch things up a little bit i guess. then again, i'm all about the unconventional. i'd probably need an unconventional metronome then, to stay consistent.

who knows. who knows that i'm even talking about or if it's making any sense at all. i'm just rambling.

i'll take it.