the first day of classes of my senior year is in 5 days now, and my independence is already counting down the days until that last day of classes of my college career. a sudden urgency scrambles to formulate the most plausible scenario of where i'll be a year from now, what my bank statement will read and if that will be enough for a deposit on my own apartment.
this summer's been a teaser the whole way through. antsy the first 2 months of it, i waited the day i could label myself as a busy person. yesterday, i felt that feeling. finally i am working a decent amount of hours to get me out of the house for an extended period of time and keep me busy, my free time is disappearing before my eyes and i should be able to get my plane ticket in the next couple of weeks. the dead time had just been prolonging the last day of school even more, leaving me to wallow in self pity and take up any invitation given as excuse to get out of the house, in the area from which i cannot wait to move. and regardless of what it's to or who it's with, i accept nearly every one of them.
i've recently found that those who claim that saying "no" is even remotely difficult has not experienced the genuine desire to actually say it. take habits, for example: they somehow become engrained into your routine and are performed almost automatically if you don't consciously avoid it. this however, can be solved simply by saying "no". some people claim to have difficulty saving money, whenall they have to do is say "no" to buying unnecessary things like magazines, starbucks, or other luxuries that add up to becoming ironically close to the amount you would have needed to reach your goal. what you need to do is find the right motivation.
i am one of those people who might be classified as someone who is "negatively motivated", meaning i am motivated by what isn't going right. in sports, a missed shot or serve, a bad time, bad defense, all remind me that mistakes like those mean that i'm only going harder the next chance i get. i need tangible losses in close sight to remind me why i'm doing something. it's not about what i'm getting out of it, but what i am refusing to lose. and after i graduate, i will refuse to be stripped of my independence by doing nothing with my degree and being thrown behind a barista counter while i commute in the family car back to my parents' house while i tell everyone i know i'm "just getting back on my feet while i look for a real career".
hell no. when i'm leaving this place, i'm gone.
one thing that is fortunate for me, i'm naturally a people-pleaser; therefore the concept of someone holding me accountable is usually a pretty safe plan for motivation [as well as pointing out the potential losses]. although bets, i've discovered are a sure plan to stop anything- especially if you can't afford to lose. but that goes back to whether or not you truly want to say "no". ask a frugal person to call you out on stupid purchases, an anorexic bitch to make sure you're hungry when you swoop in for the family size box of macaroni and cheese for a midnight snack. exactly.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
the river.
graffiti covered walls and men sleeping up against them, blind to the constant movement outside their haven. hitmen meet their targets, dealers find their addicts- it's all the same. we blissfully lather in the life we've been handed, whether from pre-adolescent versions of ourselves to what we have unfortunately become now, or from the first of the chain of events to the pathetic figure holding himself in the middle of the floor because of the last.
we learn to adapt.
the current presses hard against our bodies and as much as we beg and plead we cannot move. restless in the unchanging state of "uncontrollable", we wait our turn to be carried away. for some, that place is a deafening roar of imperfections, stress, and consequences. mine is silence. i do not wonder how i got here. it's not a matter of why God did this to me. i am not searching for someone to blame. i simply wait to move.
to know yourself provides the definite impossibility to excuse yourself.
we learn to adapt.
the current presses hard against our bodies and as much as we beg and plead we cannot move. restless in the unchanging state of "uncontrollable", we wait our turn to be carried away. for some, that place is a deafening roar of imperfections, stress, and consequences. mine is silence. i do not wonder how i got here. it's not a matter of why God did this to me. i am not searching for someone to blame. i simply wait to move.
to know yourself provides the definite impossibility to excuse yourself.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
the couldesack.
control is an easy thing to assume you have, until what you thought you had control over is suddenly ripped away from you. what's worse is wanting something you could potentially have control over, but know you shoudn't.
self control is something i was not blessed with the ability to willfully practice. i am naturally a very laid back, go-with-the-flow type of person, who see something she likes and goes for it. another thing i have come to the conclusion i fail at constantly is filtering these things; what will be good for me and what won't. it might as well be the equivalent to a shiny knife with no handle, that taunts you with the full knowledge that if you pick it up, there will be consequences. but how can you say no? it's so pretty. demented analogy, i know. but it happens to be the story of my life.
more specifically, my shiny objects of desire only lead to the same cyclical road each time. i know that once i pick it up, i can take the initial cut by simply outweighing the pain with the pleasure that i have obtained what i wanted. i carry it around with me, holding it more tightly each time around, until i happen to notice it's so tainted that it's not even pretty anymore. frustration sets in that it's not the object that i know is so pretty; i mean, i've seen it. i know for a fact that i have every reason to keep holding onto it because i know it's something i want. finally, after much convincing i set it down and convince myself it's not worth it; the pain now outweighs the desire. for now.
if only the cycle ended. without another shiny item to focus on, every time i come around and pass it, i see it and remember that at one time, it was mine. even if it wasn't, i got to hold it. it's like an addiction. and the knife, it's just sitting there, doing it's thing. nothing's really changed except your perspective of it, right? why not pick it up again, just because it's been a while since i've gotten to hold it- since it's been mine for the moment. the blood lost goes unnoticed. i mean, i still have alot to invest in the next shiny thing.
like everything that i seem to invest in that goes unreciprocated, the satisfaction of simply holding it, begins to fade after losing that much blood and going around and around. pretty soon, i have nothing left to give. it will take ages to replenish what i've lost, and i will sit and wait until i have the strength to once again reach out and succomb to the taunting once again.
and so it begins.
self control is something i was not blessed with the ability to willfully practice. i am naturally a very laid back, go-with-the-flow type of person, who see something she likes and goes for it. another thing i have come to the conclusion i fail at constantly is filtering these things; what will be good for me and what won't. it might as well be the equivalent to a shiny knife with no handle, that taunts you with the full knowledge that if you pick it up, there will be consequences. but how can you say no? it's so pretty. demented analogy, i know. but it happens to be the story of my life.
more specifically, my shiny objects of desire only lead to the same cyclical road each time. i know that once i pick it up, i can take the initial cut by simply outweighing the pain with the pleasure that i have obtained what i wanted. i carry it around with me, holding it more tightly each time around, until i happen to notice it's so tainted that it's not even pretty anymore. frustration sets in that it's not the object that i know is so pretty; i mean, i've seen it. i know for a fact that i have every reason to keep holding onto it because i know it's something i want. finally, after much convincing i set it down and convince myself it's not worth it; the pain now outweighs the desire. for now.
if only the cycle ended. without another shiny item to focus on, every time i come around and pass it, i see it and remember that at one time, it was mine. even if it wasn't, i got to hold it. it's like an addiction. and the knife, it's just sitting there, doing it's thing. nothing's really changed except your perspective of it, right? why not pick it up again, just because it's been a while since i've gotten to hold it- since it's been mine for the moment. the blood lost goes unnoticed. i mean, i still have alot to invest in the next shiny thing.
like everything that i seem to invest in that goes unreciprocated, the satisfaction of simply holding it, begins to fade after losing that much blood and going around and around. pretty soon, i have nothing left to give. it will take ages to replenish what i've lost, and i will sit and wait until i have the strength to once again reach out and succomb to the taunting once again.
and so it begins.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
a drop of cocaine.
it's a solemn hallway to walk down alone. the echo of each step i take reverberates back to me to break the silence. i begged you to stop before it was too late, but my words were the same as countless others before me, and they were all the same to you.
the sun glares off of the sleek, cemented floor through the dirty window at the end of the hallway. each metal door remains untouched, isolated from even light itself. i come to the last door and peer through the smeared box of glass toward the top, dreading what i know is on the other side. in a hospital gown the same color as the wadded sheets, i see you hold yourself with your head on your knees. tears stream down my face as i hold back everything inside of me from spilling out. if only i had known what to say that would have triggered something that nothing else seemed to reach. the pleas and threats of what you would become only provoked you more, and all of the i love you's were never heard. what could i have possibly said? i know all i can do is love you and hope you come out clean. the torture i see in your vacant stare each time your body trembles melts any bitterness that each echoed step had built up, and i want nothing more than to hold you and let you know you're not worthless. you'll know what you'll be when you grow up, soon. everything will soon be back as it was 8 years ago, sitting on the dock, fighting over who could push who in.
my body jerks into a sitting position, my breathing frantic. i'm alone in my room, still holding my phone open to your text saying, "i relapsed a couple times, but i'm be fine now."
i hope you are.
the sun glares off of the sleek, cemented floor through the dirty window at the end of the hallway. each metal door remains untouched, isolated from even light itself. i come to the last door and peer through the smeared box of glass toward the top, dreading what i know is on the other side. in a hospital gown the same color as the wadded sheets, i see you hold yourself with your head on your knees. tears stream down my face as i hold back everything inside of me from spilling out. if only i had known what to say that would have triggered something that nothing else seemed to reach. the pleas and threats of what you would become only provoked you more, and all of the i love you's were never heard. what could i have possibly said? i know all i can do is love you and hope you come out clean. the torture i see in your vacant stare each time your body trembles melts any bitterness that each echoed step had built up, and i want nothing more than to hold you and let you know you're not worthless. you'll know what you'll be when you grow up, soon. everything will soon be back as it was 8 years ago, sitting on the dock, fighting over who could push who in.
my body jerks into a sitting position, my breathing frantic. i'm alone in my room, still holding my phone open to your text saying, "i relapsed a couple times, but i'm be fine now."
i hope you are.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
a single chord progression.
because a keyboard isn't enough, my fingers long for a piano to pound out the melody of the unrelenting thoughts racing through my mind. it's as if the same question breeds different answers, all of which my mind entertains as sufficient for the time being. how quickly it becomes unsatisfied.
d minor would be nice. it's a sophisticated, but sincere chord that resonates through any other, in my opinion. it's not that i'm questioning my happiness, it's more the source. so temporary, so terrifyingly bold that due to my nature i have no choice but to take it as factual. i am what i am, and have come to accept that i become a mirror to the face of both expectation and idealistics. my life should be played to a song in d minor with a bass heavy beat.
it's easy to go through the motions that were predestined for you; to either ride along the set list of accomplishments you were clearly meant to fulfill, or to weave in an out of it to keep things exciting. that's what i've concluded. it's like the movie talledega nights, where the father can't help but ruin something that's going well. people get too set on their expectations, growing pleased with themselves that they have bred a winner. perhaps i'm just a spiteful person who just says 'well watch this', and completely overturns the situation, or maybe i always intended on taking that path. both can be questioned with good reason.
it's not that i don't know myself. i just don't have myself as 'down pat' as i did 2 years ago. i could tell you what exactly i was feeling and why, claiming adamently that the statement, 'i don't know' as complete bullshit. now, i find myself too far beyond knowing that i clammer to reach 'i don't know'. there are too many possibilities when you feel. is it healthier to feel? i'm not sure, but it's more painful, definitely. when i'm not really sure what i feel, beyond the fact that i'm feeling in general? pure agony.
i'll eventually have the whole song. right now all i can do is perfect this scale, to make it harmonious to the rhythm to which i walk, fall, and run. til i've run out of distractions, d minor will eminate from within.
d minor would be nice. it's a sophisticated, but sincere chord that resonates through any other, in my opinion. it's not that i'm questioning my happiness, it's more the source. so temporary, so terrifyingly bold that due to my nature i have no choice but to take it as factual. i am what i am, and have come to accept that i become a mirror to the face of both expectation and idealistics. my life should be played to a song in d minor with a bass heavy beat.
it's easy to go through the motions that were predestined for you; to either ride along the set list of accomplishments you were clearly meant to fulfill, or to weave in an out of it to keep things exciting. that's what i've concluded. it's like the movie talledega nights, where the father can't help but ruin something that's going well. people get too set on their expectations, growing pleased with themselves that they have bred a winner. perhaps i'm just a spiteful person who just says 'well watch this', and completely overturns the situation, or maybe i always intended on taking that path. both can be questioned with good reason.
it's not that i don't know myself. i just don't have myself as 'down pat' as i did 2 years ago. i could tell you what exactly i was feeling and why, claiming adamently that the statement, 'i don't know' as complete bullshit. now, i find myself too far beyond knowing that i clammer to reach 'i don't know'. there are too many possibilities when you feel. is it healthier to feel? i'm not sure, but it's more painful, definitely. when i'm not really sure what i feel, beyond the fact that i'm feeling in general? pure agony.
i'll eventually have the whole song. right now all i can do is perfect this scale, to make it harmonious to the rhythm to which i walk, fall, and run. til i've run out of distractions, d minor will eminate from within.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
empty streets.
It’s been a long time since I’ve seen the sunrise. Since May, actually. Now I sit on my porch, writing. I haven’t fallen asleep, although I’ve been trying since 3:00am. Cars on their way to work speed loudly on the main street in front of me, and I have lost myself once again. I don’t really know what to think about anymore, so I automatically resort to this- my outlet. It’s the only way I can get out exactly how I am feeling. I’m confused, broke, numb and utterly alone.
So much has happened in the last couple of weeks and I don’t know how to react to them. I moved into a place that doesn’t feel like home yet; and the support I once felt was so strong has dwindled into nothing. I don’t pity myself, not at all. I know I’ve gotten myself into everything that has happened and was fully aware going into it that the outcome wouldn’t be without consequence, but I definitely underestimated them.
I miss how things used to be, so smooth and fluid. I had a routine, a groove that I had down to a science. Wake up early, go through the motions of the day unaffected, then come home to friends and forget about it all over a cigarette and too many laughs to account for. Thinking about how different things could be after this, I am nothing short of terrified. I’ve slid by too many times it seems for yet another break, and yet I didn’t learn from them. I can be too stubborn for my own good, not just sometimes, but most of the time. I’ve lost track of the things I once put at the top of my priority list. I know this is too reminiscent of my last blog, but I guess this is just its sequel.
I wish I had a piano, it just seems appropriate for the slow, rhythmic movement my thoughts have chosen to travel in. I feel like it should be in a movie, playing the background as I walk aimlessly down a dimly lit street just as the sun rises. There is no sound, just the piano and camera panning across the different angles of my path. I feel like running on and on, maybe it’s away from everything, although you can’t run away from something that’s inside you. Trying to come up with things to distract me has usually worked in the past, it’s provided some sort of direction that I know to follow- a schedule. I wish I automatically knew what to do, how to respond to the fury of the countless unresolved situations I simply don’t know how to resolve. Things will work out; they always do, even if it’s not how I had wanted. But like I said before, I will have a path no matter what. It’s almost 6:00am now, and I’m too numb to be tired.
I wish I didn’t have to rely on other people to help pull me out of this, but I will come out alive because of it. I’ve already accepted every possible outcome for my circumstances- needing to go back and live at home until I get back on my feet, re-planning out my entire future around convenience only, or simply going on as if nothing happened. That’s when I wonder, if this time I’ve learned, if yet another break has blessed me or cursed me with either arrogance or utter gratefulness that I am still here. I refuse to shy away from living in a way where I feel sorry for myself that I am where I am, but rather embrace it with every intention of making the best of whatever happens, and dealing with the consequences accordingly. Sure, they will be different, but some things have to end to begin. I will welcome every opportunity still granted to me despite what happens, and cling for dear life what I still have through it all. I don’t want now should I need to be numbed to anything, I’ve done that for too long- sitting back prettily at the third person’s coveted position rather than take on the rightful first person’s spot front and center of it all.
So here I am.
So much has happened in the last couple of weeks and I don’t know how to react to them. I moved into a place that doesn’t feel like home yet; and the support I once felt was so strong has dwindled into nothing. I don’t pity myself, not at all. I know I’ve gotten myself into everything that has happened and was fully aware going into it that the outcome wouldn’t be without consequence, but I definitely underestimated them.
I miss how things used to be, so smooth and fluid. I had a routine, a groove that I had down to a science. Wake up early, go through the motions of the day unaffected, then come home to friends and forget about it all over a cigarette and too many laughs to account for. Thinking about how different things could be after this, I am nothing short of terrified. I’ve slid by too many times it seems for yet another break, and yet I didn’t learn from them. I can be too stubborn for my own good, not just sometimes, but most of the time. I’ve lost track of the things I once put at the top of my priority list. I know this is too reminiscent of my last blog, but I guess this is just its sequel.
I wish I had a piano, it just seems appropriate for the slow, rhythmic movement my thoughts have chosen to travel in. I feel like it should be in a movie, playing the background as I walk aimlessly down a dimly lit street just as the sun rises. There is no sound, just the piano and camera panning across the different angles of my path. I feel like running on and on, maybe it’s away from everything, although you can’t run away from something that’s inside you. Trying to come up with things to distract me has usually worked in the past, it’s provided some sort of direction that I know to follow- a schedule. I wish I automatically knew what to do, how to respond to the fury of the countless unresolved situations I simply don’t know how to resolve. Things will work out; they always do, even if it’s not how I had wanted. But like I said before, I will have a path no matter what. It’s almost 6:00am now, and I’m too numb to be tired.
I wish I didn’t have to rely on other people to help pull me out of this, but I will come out alive because of it. I’ve already accepted every possible outcome for my circumstances- needing to go back and live at home until I get back on my feet, re-planning out my entire future around convenience only, or simply going on as if nothing happened. That’s when I wonder, if this time I’ve learned, if yet another break has blessed me or cursed me with either arrogance or utter gratefulness that I am still here. I refuse to shy away from living in a way where I feel sorry for myself that I am where I am, but rather embrace it with every intention of making the best of whatever happens, and dealing with the consequences accordingly. Sure, they will be different, but some things have to end to begin. I will welcome every opportunity still granted to me despite what happens, and cling for dear life what I still have through it all. I don’t want now should I need to be numbed to anything, I’ve done that for too long- sitting back prettily at the third person’s coveted position rather than take on the rightful first person’s spot front and center of it all.
So here I am.
detour.
all it takes is once.
i've gotten used to catching breaks ever since i was in high school; getting away with more than i should have, in turn never really learning. i was exempt from the consequences and therefore never faced with a real problem i couldn't get myself out of or shrug off as not a big deal. sure, i've had regrets- you're full of shit if you say you don't. yea, you might not be dwelling on them but that doesn't mean they don't or can't exist.
it's been awhile since i've had an experience where i've had to completely reevaluate my future and how my decisions determine the direction it goes. it's always been "wait it out, it'll pass", or i had an innate response that seemed to work, even if i was only dealing with it temporarily. but as i grow older, my choices carry more weight, the consequences either more harsh or rewarding, and less cushion to support the fall. it's not that i havent taken responsibility for my own actions before, my parents made sure that was instilled in my at a young age. but over the years i became a master of avoiding consequences- the wrap, i guess you could say, for the stupid shit. put enough guards up, you won't even feel it even if they do come. either or, experiencing the outcome hasn't been a priority.
it's funny, people who think of themselves as strong and completely put together, emotionally mature, nice and safely removed from situations that everyone around them seem to go through, how fast that fades when you get caught up in the act of feeling. sometimes being involved isn't a choice, it seems. either that or you don't see it going in that direction, and before you know it you're one of them. strength is easy when life's great. it's when you have no choice but to accept the fact that you fucked up and now need to step up and deal with it that you find yourself wondering how you got here.
relationships are funny things, you know? it's really intriguing to me how emotionally detached you can convince yourself you are, but find yourself subconsciously building expectations for the other person, only giving yourself reasons to get frustrated with them for not treating you right or meeting up to them. when things are good, they're great. then all of a sudden you realize that the scale's tilting more and more in their favor and your needs are all but satisfied.
some might understand the feeling, some won't. usually this happens when the relationship is undefined or communication just sucks. but usually, there's more expectations on one end than the other. it's not even that you necessarily want a relationship, it's the fact that they don't. i mean, why wouldn't they? you're a catch, a steal, the all around package, right? of course you are. it's worse if they know that and still stick around for the good times, getting away scot-free with every expectation fulfilled because you're trying to prove to them that you're worth the time- even if you don't know it. why not ditch them? well, that would mean they get away without giving you an explanation as to why the fact that you were available everytime they wanted to hang out, always answered the phone and texted back within 30 seconds. plus you actually like spending time with them- when it happens.
i'm the kind of girl who doesn't like to be pushy, not force my company on anyone or demand explanations as to why someone feels the way they do- especially if nothing's official. who wants to be the needy girl, or wants a needy girl? i always wanted to be one of the guys, really chill, laid back and low-maintenance. but i'm a quality time person. i like affirmation, knowing what the other person's thinking. cutting things off without getting closure is something i've never found easy. what's worse, feeling like if you cut things off, the other person's routine really isn't affected. they're not left just having to think about you, because who knows if they did before, and they can go about life as usual. when you slip in too deep is when saying no gets harder.
that's when exemption flies out the window. you find yourself sliding farther away from your plan- the path you always envisioned taking once you accomplished your goals. it's the little things that you once got away with that now prohibit you from moving forward, whether literally or emotionally. you've reached a fork where one road- your road- is now closed, and the other jets straight ahead, bypassing all of the things you intended to do before you went there. such is life, and now, you can no longer avoid the detours.
i've gotten used to catching breaks ever since i was in high school; getting away with more than i should have, in turn never really learning. i was exempt from the consequences and therefore never faced with a real problem i couldn't get myself out of or shrug off as not a big deal. sure, i've had regrets- you're full of shit if you say you don't. yea, you might not be dwelling on them but that doesn't mean they don't or can't exist.
it's been awhile since i've had an experience where i've had to completely reevaluate my future and how my decisions determine the direction it goes. it's always been "wait it out, it'll pass", or i had an innate response that seemed to work, even if i was only dealing with it temporarily. but as i grow older, my choices carry more weight, the consequences either more harsh or rewarding, and less cushion to support the fall. it's not that i havent taken responsibility for my own actions before, my parents made sure that was instilled in my at a young age. but over the years i became a master of avoiding consequences- the wrap, i guess you could say, for the stupid shit. put enough guards up, you won't even feel it even if they do come. either or, experiencing the outcome hasn't been a priority.
it's funny, people who think of themselves as strong and completely put together, emotionally mature, nice and safely removed from situations that everyone around them seem to go through, how fast that fades when you get caught up in the act of feeling. sometimes being involved isn't a choice, it seems. either that or you don't see it going in that direction, and before you know it you're one of them. strength is easy when life's great. it's when you have no choice but to accept the fact that you fucked up and now need to step up and deal with it that you find yourself wondering how you got here.
relationships are funny things, you know? it's really intriguing to me how emotionally detached you can convince yourself you are, but find yourself subconsciously building expectations for the other person, only giving yourself reasons to get frustrated with them for not treating you right or meeting up to them. when things are good, they're great. then all of a sudden you realize that the scale's tilting more and more in their favor and your needs are all but satisfied.
some might understand the feeling, some won't. usually this happens when the relationship is undefined or communication just sucks. but usually, there's more expectations on one end than the other. it's not even that you necessarily want a relationship, it's the fact that they don't. i mean, why wouldn't they? you're a catch, a steal, the all around package, right? of course you are. it's worse if they know that and still stick around for the good times, getting away scot-free with every expectation fulfilled because you're trying to prove to them that you're worth the time- even if you don't know it. why not ditch them? well, that would mean they get away without giving you an explanation as to why the fact that you were available everytime they wanted to hang out, always answered the phone and texted back within 30 seconds. plus you actually like spending time with them- when it happens.
i'm the kind of girl who doesn't like to be pushy, not force my company on anyone or demand explanations as to why someone feels the way they do- especially if nothing's official. who wants to be the needy girl, or wants a needy girl? i always wanted to be one of the guys, really chill, laid back and low-maintenance. but i'm a quality time person. i like affirmation, knowing what the other person's thinking. cutting things off without getting closure is something i've never found easy. what's worse, feeling like if you cut things off, the other person's routine really isn't affected. they're not left just having to think about you, because who knows if they did before, and they can go about life as usual. when you slip in too deep is when saying no gets harder.
that's when exemption flies out the window. you find yourself sliding farther away from your plan- the path you always envisioned taking once you accomplished your goals. it's the little things that you once got away with that now prohibit you from moving forward, whether literally or emotionally. you've reached a fork where one road- your road- is now closed, and the other jets straight ahead, bypassing all of the things you intended to do before you went there. such is life, and now, you can no longer avoid the detours.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
broken.
For the first time in months, my emotions broke past the barrier I had worked so religiously to orchestrate around the calluses from my past. You would never know, because I have been dead to you for about two years now. It’s been easy on you because you had people who you knew wouldn’t fail you or hurt you the way I did. I didn’t know every time you would see me that you were trying your hardest to fight the screams urging to pour out, questions I couldn’t answer and actions I still can’t justify. There’s a point where someone can truly lose every ounce of respect and tolerance for, and I’m not proud when I say I’ve conquered that quest already. Don’t worry, you’re not the only one I’ve hurt throughout all this, countless relationships are forever lost because of the stubbornness and selfishness of one person. I have failed so many people and failed as a sister, daughter, friend, that it shows in my reflection when I stare into the mirror. The very freedom I craved then I would trade for bondage if that meant forgiveness and a chance to mend those relationships. You will hate me for a while, perhaps forever. You will mask it and pretend things are simply fine while proceeding to slam the door behind you in rage, but still you will insist there’s nothing wrong and you’re over it.
I sat alone outside for hours and cried helplessly as hard as my body would let me, utterly and completely helpless. And who was the one who made things the way they were- still are? The same one who pleads “helpless”, when in reality I was in full control when I made the decisions that I did. Sorry, no excuses or assuming the self-pity outtake. And to think that I was someone who always wondered why she was abandoned in friendships, why every time I became close to someone they grew tired of me and so unbelievably hurt me in ways I couldn’t imagine putting someone I cared about through. It was fun convincing myself that was true while it lasted. But reality is here now and I can’t play that card anymore. One of my biggest fears became that reality- failure. I can’t even blame this one of Satan either, regardless of his obvious stronghold on my life at the moment, for I put myself, and for the most part intentionally, into these situations. I took pride in the stupidest things and turned them into my identity- my “strength”, which turned out to be oblivion, my “unconditional love” which turned out screwing me over in ways I can never be healed from, and my ability to “not let emotion overrule logic”, which proved to me that I have a really twisted sense of logic that I should really consider abandoning this split second.
I have hurt the people that I love most in this world in order to uphold these fine attributes, and it earned me a solid two years of my life of more pain than I would ever want anyone else to experience. Loneliness is hard, neglect and abandonment is even harder, I know that… but healing and forgiveness, now those are hardest of all because they are those abstract emotions and feelings that one must accept.
I sat alone outside for hours and cried helplessly as hard as my body would let me, utterly and completely helpless. And who was the one who made things the way they were- still are? The same one who pleads “helpless”, when in reality I was in full control when I made the decisions that I did. Sorry, no excuses or assuming the self-pity outtake. And to think that I was someone who always wondered why she was abandoned in friendships, why every time I became close to someone they grew tired of me and so unbelievably hurt me in ways I couldn’t imagine putting someone I cared about through. It was fun convincing myself that was true while it lasted. But reality is here now and I can’t play that card anymore. One of my biggest fears became that reality- failure. I can’t even blame this one of Satan either, regardless of his obvious stronghold on my life at the moment, for I put myself, and for the most part intentionally, into these situations. I took pride in the stupidest things and turned them into my identity- my “strength”, which turned out to be oblivion, my “unconditional love” which turned out screwing me over in ways I can never be healed from, and my ability to “not let emotion overrule logic”, which proved to me that I have a really twisted sense of logic that I should really consider abandoning this split second.
I have hurt the people that I love most in this world in order to uphold these fine attributes, and it earned me a solid two years of my life of more pain than I would ever want anyone else to experience. Loneliness is hard, neglect and abandonment is even harder, I know that… but healing and forgiveness, now those are hardest of all because they are those abstract emotions and feelings that one must accept.
amidst the winter of friendship.
As I trudge up the hill, towards the place our paths would merge,
the frigid gusts of wind freeze my tears halfway down my face.
I bury it deep inside my scarf for want of escape, as
my eyes tightly shut, I continued to climb despite each opposing urge .
To my left is the lake, partly frozen over and glistening in the sun.
while I am unable to stop and breathe,
to take in the splendor of snow-covered tree skeletons which surround me,
each gaze tempting me to cease my trek, instead I run.
Silence is all I hear except for the leaves dead under my feet,
their crunching accentuated by their coat of frost.
The beauty surrounding me is tarnished with reluctance as
I hasten my pace even more, a feeble attempt to abandon ideas of retreat.
My fingers graze the photograph in my pocket, slowly curling to a close.
What I would give for things to be how they were,
back when there was meaning behind conversation,
instead of this vacancy I’ve grown to not oppose.
It’s only a memory now, nothing more than a dream, I doubt
seeing me now will cure the isolation she has accepted as normal,
our friendship arouses neither regret nor a longing for the past.
I was in no hurry to be reminded only her body would be waiting for me, her mind and spirit without.
the frigid gusts of wind freeze my tears halfway down my face.
I bury it deep inside my scarf for want of escape, as
my eyes tightly shut, I continued to climb despite each opposing urge .
To my left is the lake, partly frozen over and glistening in the sun.
while I am unable to stop and breathe,
to take in the splendor of snow-covered tree skeletons which surround me,
each gaze tempting me to cease my trek, instead I run.
Silence is all I hear except for the leaves dead under my feet,
their crunching accentuated by their coat of frost.
The beauty surrounding me is tarnished with reluctance as
I hasten my pace even more, a feeble attempt to abandon ideas of retreat.
My fingers graze the photograph in my pocket, slowly curling to a close.
What I would give for things to be how they were,
back when there was meaning behind conversation,
instead of this vacancy I’ve grown to not oppose.
It’s only a memory now, nothing more than a dream, I doubt
seeing me now will cure the isolation she has accepted as normal,
our friendship arouses neither regret nor a longing for the past.
I was in no hurry to be reminded only her body would be waiting for me, her mind and spirit without.
a child's cry.
Saturday, August 4, 2007
This has to be, what, my 5th? 6th year at Go-Camp? I have been touched and man-handled by Jesus every time. However, none can possibly compare to the past two days. All week I have been praying earnestly for brokenness; for deliverance from my past mistakes and relationships and self-inflicted guilt and shame, because I know without a doubt that I cannot be healed from that past unless the walls which I so diligently built up have been mercilessly torn down.
I began the week, this year as staff rather than a camper, focused solely on setting an example to the younger kids which surrounded me- mostly in worship. I looked around me, observing some of the other staff far ahead of me in my spiritual walk and praising God with such animation, and naturally did the same. Too bad I didn’t know any of the songs and felt like an idiot the whole time rather than focusing on the words that were coming out of my mouth and what they meant. I was too busy making sure my harmony was on, that I was sucking in my stomach and swaying back and forth on beat. It wasn’t until half way through the week that I realized that this is not how I worship. I am not this animated person who dances, who sings at the top of their lungs. I can’t sing! My worship is looking around me and God breaking my heart for the people- His children- that I see hurting and longing for the same fullness of the Spirit that I do. Prayers surge out of my mouth and tears stream down my face and I beg in desperation for God to acknowledge and bless His kids as they throw themselves at His feet. He meets us as we are, in all our filth and grubbiness.
As Friday rolls around, I get a text message from Whitney saying that we lost our house, the one I was supposed to be moving into the week after Go-Camp, because Danna backed out of the deal. Anger is aroused and the landlord rips me apart when I call for more clarification. I notice bumps in places they shouldn’t be, as I try and prepare myself for the reality that I might have something which will stay with me for the rest of my life, making my housing situation seem miniscule.
Today was our carnival, the outreach we have been practicing for all week and finally are able to perform and minister to people who live right next to the church. We went to Manitou Park. A little after dinner, I found a quiet sunny spot on the grass and just lay down for a couple minutes, and prayed. I prayed for peace, for strength to find joy in my trials and rejoice in my weaknesses and tribulations. Pastor Lance leaned over as I opened my eyes for a second, and simply asked if I was ok. I assured him yes.
The swings seemed to be my main attraction. As the rest of the camp began to tear down the carnival we had been running since 2pm, I took little Rebecca to the kiddy swings and the second I set her in that swing, a little girl who would change my life ran up from out f nowhere, and with a beaming smile, asked for ‘up’ and lifted her arms as I picked her up and set her in the swing right next to Rebecca, and began to push.
First, please let me tell you of my love for children. Children are the one group of people- little people, in their case- who can make a heart such as mine that has been calloused and hardened for ages completely melt in an instant. I have a list of my top ten favorite things: conversation being number one, laughing being second, and children being third. I won’t go into the other seven, but trust me, they’re good. Children were always drawn to me too, latching themselves onto me, claiming me as their best friend. Yasmeen, for example, is my five year old best friend. She is my old assistant basketball coach’s daughter and well, very possessive. She calls me, leaves me voicemails, everything. And I could not ask for a more loyal best friend.
Kayvon and I talked about a lot of things as she swung. She was a smart and absolutely gorgeous 3 year old, who looked exactly like Yasmeen, and her name was Kayvon. Kayvon loved to swing. She always insisted on ‘higher, higher’ as she laughed. The ice cream truck served as a main topic of conversation for a while and she strained to try and see it at each high point of her back-and-forth motion, screaming for joy if she could spot the bright yellow speaker atop a similarly colored roof. We expressed a common love for Spongebob ice cream, and decided that if we both had had any money, that is what we would get. Music started behind me, as the worship team was getting ready to start the second session, and she insisted upon dancing, the only thing that could have possibly gotten her out of that swing. Like I said, the girl loved to swing.
We walked hand in hand over to the little patch of pavement where the worship team was set up and as the music started, we began to, naturally, get our groove on. She mimicked my every move. She clapped when I did, and wherever I clapped. We must have gone through the whole ‘head, shoulders knees and toes’ motions over and over again. She grabbed both of my hand as we danced in a circle of two. Ethan kinda scooted over, returning my smile [which, by the way, hadn’t left my face since I had met her] and asked where she came from. Over there, I rolled my head in the direction of the swings and the playground. He looked around, watching for a searching parent or guardian and, confused, asked me again. This time I stopped dancing, realizing that I hadn’t seen her with anyone really. I led her back over to the playground, asking her who she was here with and where they were. Gramma brought her, with Auntie Denise and her brother Keanon- he was big, she said.
We began to walk around the perimeter of the park, as she made comments which truly disturbed me, comments saying that oh man, she had been left again. I was sure the black woman in the front row was her gramma and Kayvon just must have not seen her. I had seen the woman sitting right by the swing set as I had pushed her before, she even commented in on part of Kayvon’s and my conversation. But the woman denied any relation to my new little friend. This confirmed the sick feeling that was starting to well up in the pit of my stomach.
I set her back in the swings as I told Liane that Kayvon didn’t know where her gramma went. She and Warren watched Kayvon as I went to go do my dance, although I never took my eyes off of Kayvon the whole time. I went immediately back to her after the dance was finished, as she ran to me after being surrounded by strangers for a good 5 minutes. Liane had called the police and said they were on their way. I began to pray. Hard.
People began to surround the little “lost” girl, asking her questions and crowding around us. Her eyes got bigger and stared only at me. I asked for people to clear out, that Kayvon was getting scared. I saw a police car pull up and Liane motioned for me to bring her over as she gave the officer the information I had told her. Her full name was Kayvon Katherine McField, age 3, turning 4 in September. She didn’t know her preschool’s name but her teacher was Miss Tanya. Mommy had broken her leg, when I asked how, she told me flatly that she ran into a car. Turns out that Mommy had been crossing Tacoma Avenue the night before at 11pm with Kayvon in the stroller to get her fix of heroin when she was hit by a car, missing Kayvon by only inches. Custody was transferred to her gramma that night. Only 14 hours later, Gramma didn’t realize she was missing.
When we finally coaxed her out of the swing, Kayvon clung to my neck after hitting her mouth on one of the chain links. Warren came over to take her to the officer and she screamed, her little hands grasping tighter to my shirt and burying her face in my shoulder. I held her for what felt like hours, I don’t know how long it really was. Teresa Atkins brought over some graham crackers for Kayvon to eat. She’d been by herself for hours and was starving. Teresa touched my arm and asked if I was ok. I thought I was. Moms surrounded me, watching this little girl cling to me amidst a whirlwind of confusion, ignorance and fear. I gave the officer my contact information in case CPS were to do an investigation, as vans came to take campers and staff back to PSCC. Eventually, Liane and I stood alone with the officer, the rest of the park deserted except for a few people tearing down amps and sounds equipment, and I gently- as well as reluctantly- handed Kayvon over to the officer to go in the front seat, heading back to Gramma’s. Well, Gramma’s was the last place I wanted that child to be. A 77 year old woman who had just left her in a park where we had found 100 sex offenders lived by did not, by any means, sound like a plan to me. I wanted that girl to never leave my arms again, much less go straight into those of a woman. He said he was going to see the reaction and sense the ‘alarm factor’ when he showed up on her doorstep. Alarm factor? She had enough time between the phone call letting her know he was coming and the time he got there to build up the sufficient ‘alarm’ necessary to be convincing! My heart was breaking for this little girl, so desensitized from the situation that had happened to her less than 24 hours before that she was willing to take love in any form it would come, even if it meant some random chick wearing a seemingly common t-shirt in the park that was willing to push her on the swings.
As Liane and I walked back to the car, she asked me how I was doing and set her hand gently on my back. Tears poured down my face upon contact, as I said anything, they can do anything to anyone, but NOT children. That was the one thing that I cannot tolerate. My heart continued to break, and not only for her, but for God’s children. Just the suffering and wrongs that must be endured that not did they not deserve, but weren’t even self-inflicted. For as long as I can remember, every hardship that I have ever gone through I believed to be self-inflicted- a result of a situation that I had gotten myself into either by choice or due to failure to do the right thing. but this child, this innocent and beautiful little girl who had just been taken from me to be sent back into the hands of someone- and I can say that yes, it could have been anyone’s accident leaving a child somewhere due to miscommunication, but when the stakes were so high is when I get a little flustered. Kids are my soft spot. End of story. And this one just so happen to have had enough time to make a big enough impact to where I saw myself in her. There she had been, wandering aimlessly around in search of some form of love in the midst of extreme danger, completely numb to the complete horrors she witnessed to those who were supposed to play that role in her life, when she has no choice but to succumb to the love of someone who sees her for what she is truly worth.
I can honestly say that if given the chance, I would have taken Kayvon home with me and kept her as my own, showing her what it is liked to be loved for what she is. Her mom, while she’s shooting up in the bedroom while her gorgeous daughter plays alone in front of the TV, has no idea of the beauty and intelligence that she is missing out on. She has absolutely no clue that the child she may see as a burden and a cut from her heroin savings to buy food for, is really an actual human being who is desperate for love.
I will continue to pray for Kayvon Katherine McField. I pray that no matter where she is or who she is with that she will always be reminded and assured that Someone loves her and has His hand on her life, keeping her protected from those who dare to refute the fact that her life is precious, that the daughter of a woman who hurts so much that she needs to remove herself mentally and emotionally from situations that she cannot herself take responsibility for would always be a precious child of God.
I don’t know that I’ll ever see Kayvon again, or if she’ll remember who I am or that Saturday even ever happened. But as Liane and I prayed over that little girl, we planted a seed in her that can only grow, and that I firmly believe will grow, and flourish too. My heart will continue to break for the children of God. This week I was reminded of two different passages which mean a whole lot more to me than they did before. The first is 2 Corinthians 12:7-10.
And lest I should be exalted above measure by the abundance of the revelation, a thorn in the flesh was given to me, a messenger of satan to buffet me lest I be exalted above measure. Concerning this thing I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might depart from me. And He said to me “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in your weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast of my infirmities that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in my infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, He is strong.
The second in 1 Peter 5:10.
But may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered for a while, perfect, establish, strengthen and settle you.
I learn to rejoice in my sufferings, because while not only does it strengthen me, is strengthens my testimony, allowing me to relate and minister- even if they don’t know it- to a wider variety of people. This week ends an extremely long spiritual dry spell for me, and begins an ongoing cycle of being completely submerged in the love of God, forcing myself to be dunked continuously underneath the surface of my flesh and in search of something deeper. For there is no greater gift than love, nor a greater weapon to fight a loveless world with.
This has to be, what, my 5th? 6th year at Go-Camp? I have been touched and man-handled by Jesus every time. However, none can possibly compare to the past two days. All week I have been praying earnestly for brokenness; for deliverance from my past mistakes and relationships and self-inflicted guilt and shame, because I know without a doubt that I cannot be healed from that past unless the walls which I so diligently built up have been mercilessly torn down.
I began the week, this year as staff rather than a camper, focused solely on setting an example to the younger kids which surrounded me- mostly in worship. I looked around me, observing some of the other staff far ahead of me in my spiritual walk and praising God with such animation, and naturally did the same. Too bad I didn’t know any of the songs and felt like an idiot the whole time rather than focusing on the words that were coming out of my mouth and what they meant. I was too busy making sure my harmony was on, that I was sucking in my stomach and swaying back and forth on beat. It wasn’t until half way through the week that I realized that this is not how I worship. I am not this animated person who dances, who sings at the top of their lungs. I can’t sing! My worship is looking around me and God breaking my heart for the people- His children- that I see hurting and longing for the same fullness of the Spirit that I do. Prayers surge out of my mouth and tears stream down my face and I beg in desperation for God to acknowledge and bless His kids as they throw themselves at His feet. He meets us as we are, in all our filth and grubbiness.
As Friday rolls around, I get a text message from Whitney saying that we lost our house, the one I was supposed to be moving into the week after Go-Camp, because Danna backed out of the deal. Anger is aroused and the landlord rips me apart when I call for more clarification. I notice bumps in places they shouldn’t be, as I try and prepare myself for the reality that I might have something which will stay with me for the rest of my life, making my housing situation seem miniscule.
Today was our carnival, the outreach we have been practicing for all week and finally are able to perform and minister to people who live right next to the church. We went to Manitou Park. A little after dinner, I found a quiet sunny spot on the grass and just lay down for a couple minutes, and prayed. I prayed for peace, for strength to find joy in my trials and rejoice in my weaknesses and tribulations. Pastor Lance leaned over as I opened my eyes for a second, and simply asked if I was ok. I assured him yes.
The swings seemed to be my main attraction. As the rest of the camp began to tear down the carnival we had been running since 2pm, I took little Rebecca to the kiddy swings and the second I set her in that swing, a little girl who would change my life ran up from out f nowhere, and with a beaming smile, asked for ‘up’ and lifted her arms as I picked her up and set her in the swing right next to Rebecca, and began to push.
First, please let me tell you of my love for children. Children are the one group of people- little people, in their case- who can make a heart such as mine that has been calloused and hardened for ages completely melt in an instant. I have a list of my top ten favorite things: conversation being number one, laughing being second, and children being third. I won’t go into the other seven, but trust me, they’re good. Children were always drawn to me too, latching themselves onto me, claiming me as their best friend. Yasmeen, for example, is my five year old best friend. She is my old assistant basketball coach’s daughter and well, very possessive. She calls me, leaves me voicemails, everything. And I could not ask for a more loyal best friend.
Kayvon and I talked about a lot of things as she swung. She was a smart and absolutely gorgeous 3 year old, who looked exactly like Yasmeen, and her name was Kayvon. Kayvon loved to swing. She always insisted on ‘higher, higher’ as she laughed. The ice cream truck served as a main topic of conversation for a while and she strained to try and see it at each high point of her back-and-forth motion, screaming for joy if she could spot the bright yellow speaker atop a similarly colored roof. We expressed a common love for Spongebob ice cream, and decided that if we both had had any money, that is what we would get. Music started behind me, as the worship team was getting ready to start the second session, and she insisted upon dancing, the only thing that could have possibly gotten her out of that swing. Like I said, the girl loved to swing.
We walked hand in hand over to the little patch of pavement where the worship team was set up and as the music started, we began to, naturally, get our groove on. She mimicked my every move. She clapped when I did, and wherever I clapped. We must have gone through the whole ‘head, shoulders knees and toes’ motions over and over again. She grabbed both of my hand as we danced in a circle of two. Ethan kinda scooted over, returning my smile [which, by the way, hadn’t left my face since I had met her] and asked where she came from. Over there, I rolled my head in the direction of the swings and the playground. He looked around, watching for a searching parent or guardian and, confused, asked me again. This time I stopped dancing, realizing that I hadn’t seen her with anyone really. I led her back over to the playground, asking her who she was here with and where they were. Gramma brought her, with Auntie Denise and her brother Keanon- he was big, she said.
We began to walk around the perimeter of the park, as she made comments which truly disturbed me, comments saying that oh man, she had been left again. I was sure the black woman in the front row was her gramma and Kayvon just must have not seen her. I had seen the woman sitting right by the swing set as I had pushed her before, she even commented in on part of Kayvon’s and my conversation. But the woman denied any relation to my new little friend. This confirmed the sick feeling that was starting to well up in the pit of my stomach.
I set her back in the swings as I told Liane that Kayvon didn’t know where her gramma went. She and Warren watched Kayvon as I went to go do my dance, although I never took my eyes off of Kayvon the whole time. I went immediately back to her after the dance was finished, as she ran to me after being surrounded by strangers for a good 5 minutes. Liane had called the police and said they were on their way. I began to pray. Hard.
People began to surround the little “lost” girl, asking her questions and crowding around us. Her eyes got bigger and stared only at me. I asked for people to clear out, that Kayvon was getting scared. I saw a police car pull up and Liane motioned for me to bring her over as she gave the officer the information I had told her. Her full name was Kayvon Katherine McField, age 3, turning 4 in September. She didn’t know her preschool’s name but her teacher was Miss Tanya. Mommy had broken her leg, when I asked how, she told me flatly that she ran into a car. Turns out that Mommy had been crossing Tacoma Avenue the night before at 11pm with Kayvon in the stroller to get her fix of heroin when she was hit by a car, missing Kayvon by only inches. Custody was transferred to her gramma that night. Only 14 hours later, Gramma didn’t realize she was missing.
When we finally coaxed her out of the swing, Kayvon clung to my neck after hitting her mouth on one of the chain links. Warren came over to take her to the officer and she screamed, her little hands grasping tighter to my shirt and burying her face in my shoulder. I held her for what felt like hours, I don’t know how long it really was. Teresa Atkins brought over some graham crackers for Kayvon to eat. She’d been by herself for hours and was starving. Teresa touched my arm and asked if I was ok. I thought I was. Moms surrounded me, watching this little girl cling to me amidst a whirlwind of confusion, ignorance and fear. I gave the officer my contact information in case CPS were to do an investigation, as vans came to take campers and staff back to PSCC. Eventually, Liane and I stood alone with the officer, the rest of the park deserted except for a few people tearing down amps and sounds equipment, and I gently- as well as reluctantly- handed Kayvon over to the officer to go in the front seat, heading back to Gramma’s. Well, Gramma’s was the last place I wanted that child to be. A 77 year old woman who had just left her in a park where we had found 100 sex offenders lived by did not, by any means, sound like a plan to me. I wanted that girl to never leave my arms again, much less go straight into those of a woman. He said he was going to see the reaction and sense the ‘alarm factor’ when he showed up on her doorstep. Alarm factor? She had enough time between the phone call letting her know he was coming and the time he got there to build up the sufficient ‘alarm’ necessary to be convincing! My heart was breaking for this little girl, so desensitized from the situation that had happened to her less than 24 hours before that she was willing to take love in any form it would come, even if it meant some random chick wearing a seemingly common t-shirt in the park that was willing to push her on the swings.
As Liane and I walked back to the car, she asked me how I was doing and set her hand gently on my back. Tears poured down my face upon contact, as I said anything, they can do anything to anyone, but NOT children. That was the one thing that I cannot tolerate. My heart continued to break, and not only for her, but for God’s children. Just the suffering and wrongs that must be endured that not did they not deserve, but weren’t even self-inflicted. For as long as I can remember, every hardship that I have ever gone through I believed to be self-inflicted- a result of a situation that I had gotten myself into either by choice or due to failure to do the right thing. but this child, this innocent and beautiful little girl who had just been taken from me to be sent back into the hands of someone- and I can say that yes, it could have been anyone’s accident leaving a child somewhere due to miscommunication, but when the stakes were so high is when I get a little flustered. Kids are my soft spot. End of story. And this one just so happen to have had enough time to make a big enough impact to where I saw myself in her. There she had been, wandering aimlessly around in search of some form of love in the midst of extreme danger, completely numb to the complete horrors she witnessed to those who were supposed to play that role in her life, when she has no choice but to succumb to the love of someone who sees her for what she is truly worth.
I can honestly say that if given the chance, I would have taken Kayvon home with me and kept her as my own, showing her what it is liked to be loved for what she is. Her mom, while she’s shooting up in the bedroom while her gorgeous daughter plays alone in front of the TV, has no idea of the beauty and intelligence that she is missing out on. She has absolutely no clue that the child she may see as a burden and a cut from her heroin savings to buy food for, is really an actual human being who is desperate for love.
I will continue to pray for Kayvon Katherine McField. I pray that no matter where she is or who she is with that she will always be reminded and assured that Someone loves her and has His hand on her life, keeping her protected from those who dare to refute the fact that her life is precious, that the daughter of a woman who hurts so much that she needs to remove herself mentally and emotionally from situations that she cannot herself take responsibility for would always be a precious child of God.
I don’t know that I’ll ever see Kayvon again, or if she’ll remember who I am or that Saturday even ever happened. But as Liane and I prayed over that little girl, we planted a seed in her that can only grow, and that I firmly believe will grow, and flourish too. My heart will continue to break for the children of God. This week I was reminded of two different passages which mean a whole lot more to me than they did before. The first is 2 Corinthians 12:7-10.
And lest I should be exalted above measure by the abundance of the revelation, a thorn in the flesh was given to me, a messenger of satan to buffet me lest I be exalted above measure. Concerning this thing I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might depart from me. And He said to me “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in your weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast of my infirmities that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in my infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, He is strong.
The second in 1 Peter 5:10.
But may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered for a while, perfect, establish, strengthen and settle you.
I learn to rejoice in my sufferings, because while not only does it strengthen me, is strengthens my testimony, allowing me to relate and minister- even if they don’t know it- to a wider variety of people. This week ends an extremely long spiritual dry spell for me, and begins an ongoing cycle of being completely submerged in the love of God, forcing myself to be dunked continuously underneath the surface of my flesh and in search of something deeper. For there is no greater gift than love, nor a greater weapon to fight a loveless world with.
even flow.
We lay our bodies flat against the concrete floor of the cathedral in the middle of complete silence. Above me loomed old chandeliers and wooden slats that have been there for centuries, crossing over each other amidst the towering white columns, cracking in their old age and bearing the sounds of harmonious voices and countless stories told.
Then they started singing. My eyelids fell as I lay there, and a peace overwhelmed me that had been absent for too long. I’d been avoiding it, for reasons that I wanted to forget- or even dismiss for fear that the moment would pass before I had the chance to fully take it in. The only sounds were of people shuffling in, finding their spots on the same cold ground on which I no longer felt. Now was not the time to become emotional.
In the dim light, my mind began to churn. It’s what happens whenever I lay down, really. My body is finally able to rest from its constant movement and strains as my mental state transitions from its robotic routine that I have somehow forced it to habitually take on, to processing the things it wasn’t allowed to break and focus on before.
As their voices rose, they filled every crack and crevice of the cathedral, as well as my entire body. But they could not penetrate my mind. The peace my body felt, my mind blocked out as if it were the last time I would let it think. I had so carefully trained it to be selective and guarded, and now the one thing I longed for the most, I couldn’t bring myself to let in.
The harmonies and synchronized power of their words flowed throughout my head, yet I did not hear them. I felt the presence, yes, but I had worked too hard to avoid my emotions to let prayer through song penetrate the wall that stood strong- no, unbreakable- to crumble in the span of thirty minutes. Over what? Pent up thoughts and feelings from my past that I had already dealt with? My strength was what kept me going, what allowed me to live the way I so adamantly chose to live and to be the person I had become. Not now, not after this long.
I took a deep breath in as my mind tried to switch from compartmentalized to an expansive state. Old habits die hard, unfortunately, and I brought myself back to the present. The friendships I’d made and helped to grow into what they had become came to mind. My want to be there for them, to love and to invest in their lives firmly tugged on my heart. It is something I will always strive for, succeed and fail to do. It’s a strange concept to think that my heart can hurt so deeply for the people I care so dearly about, yet for myself I couldn’t scratch the surface even if I wanted to.
The cathedral stood over me, filling more and more with this presence- this peace that I felt all around, yet couldn’t bring myself to take in, and I slowly let the air out of my lungs. If only I had told you when I had the chance, when you were still here, when it wasn’t too late, that I had loved you more than any amount of words combined could express. My only wish now is that I won’t make the same mistake twice.
Training wheels. I’m back to stage one, but I’m learning once again how to be human.
Then they started singing. My eyelids fell as I lay there, and a peace overwhelmed me that had been absent for too long. I’d been avoiding it, for reasons that I wanted to forget- or even dismiss for fear that the moment would pass before I had the chance to fully take it in. The only sounds were of people shuffling in, finding their spots on the same cold ground on which I no longer felt. Now was not the time to become emotional.
In the dim light, my mind began to churn. It’s what happens whenever I lay down, really. My body is finally able to rest from its constant movement and strains as my mental state transitions from its robotic routine that I have somehow forced it to habitually take on, to processing the things it wasn’t allowed to break and focus on before.
As their voices rose, they filled every crack and crevice of the cathedral, as well as my entire body. But they could not penetrate my mind. The peace my body felt, my mind blocked out as if it were the last time I would let it think. I had so carefully trained it to be selective and guarded, and now the one thing I longed for the most, I couldn’t bring myself to let in.
The harmonies and synchronized power of their words flowed throughout my head, yet I did not hear them. I felt the presence, yes, but I had worked too hard to avoid my emotions to let prayer through song penetrate the wall that stood strong- no, unbreakable- to crumble in the span of thirty minutes. Over what? Pent up thoughts and feelings from my past that I had already dealt with? My strength was what kept me going, what allowed me to live the way I so adamantly chose to live and to be the person I had become. Not now, not after this long.
I took a deep breath in as my mind tried to switch from compartmentalized to an expansive state. Old habits die hard, unfortunately, and I brought myself back to the present. The friendships I’d made and helped to grow into what they had become came to mind. My want to be there for them, to love and to invest in their lives firmly tugged on my heart. It is something I will always strive for, succeed and fail to do. It’s a strange concept to think that my heart can hurt so deeply for the people I care so dearly about, yet for myself I couldn’t scratch the surface even if I wanted to.
The cathedral stood over me, filling more and more with this presence- this peace that I felt all around, yet couldn’t bring myself to take in, and I slowly let the air out of my lungs. If only I had told you when I had the chance, when you were still here, when it wasn’t too late, that I had loved you more than any amount of words combined could express. My only wish now is that I won’t make the same mistake twice.
Training wheels. I’m back to stage one, but I’m learning once again how to be human.
farewell to you.
It’s a love hate relationship. It’s the flaky boyfriend that sometimes comes through when you realize that your life suddenly lacks structure, and It seems to be the only logical souse of stability you have to hold onto. Soon dependency turns into emotion, and emotion to complete devotion to this relationship in which you are giving your all but only receive the convenience of it all.
The pain seeps deeper and deeper as you invest more into finding some way to make things work, to be on the receiving end of love and appreciation, to reciprocate some sort of fulfillment to you. After all, it’s been your goal since day one. A commitment to give your whole self until the end, stopping at nothing until it is finally recognized.
But then there comes the moment when you have your goal in sight, where it’s so close you can touch it. Nothing motivates you more to push yourself harder, better, faster, stronger- full force until it’s yours. Excitement fills every crevice of who you are, for this has become your life now. All else aside, this is it. It’s then when they begin to talk about pursuing other goals, higher priorities, a more holistically-centered goal. Your sprint remains stagnant rather than the constant acceleration it was, and the less your counterpart looks at you, the slower you are able to move despite the fact that you’re pushing harder now. Make it look at you, show it you’re still dedicated- still willing to do anything all the same.
You’re starting to become, well, a risk. Ripping at the seams, I might even go as far to say.
I’ve given this everything, sacrificed more, and it was completely invalidated. The disclaimers you give right before the “but”, doesn’t cut it anymore, and all I have left are the things I left behind. I’m not sure if I’m in it just for the sake of being in it, or because I have convinced myself that I will actually be fulfilled someday. I hate the thought of quitting, accepting that I failed. But I’ve been here before, the point where it’s a one-sided relationship and it’s working only at my expense, and I can only go so long giving everything I have to receive nothing in return.
I’ll finish this one out- this one- because I don’t quit. I’ve committed to this season of my life and am held accountable to people other than myself, people who have invested in me and who depend on me. I would never take something unfortunate that happened to me and in turn, screw other people involved before I finished my time. So here’s to a good run, crew, but I’m through being your bitch.
The pain seeps deeper and deeper as you invest more into finding some way to make things work, to be on the receiving end of love and appreciation, to reciprocate some sort of fulfillment to you. After all, it’s been your goal since day one. A commitment to give your whole self until the end, stopping at nothing until it is finally recognized.
But then there comes the moment when you have your goal in sight, where it’s so close you can touch it. Nothing motivates you more to push yourself harder, better, faster, stronger- full force until it’s yours. Excitement fills every crevice of who you are, for this has become your life now. All else aside, this is it. It’s then when they begin to talk about pursuing other goals, higher priorities, a more holistically-centered goal. Your sprint remains stagnant rather than the constant acceleration it was, and the less your counterpart looks at you, the slower you are able to move despite the fact that you’re pushing harder now. Make it look at you, show it you’re still dedicated- still willing to do anything all the same.
You’re starting to become, well, a risk. Ripping at the seams, I might even go as far to say.
I’ve given this everything, sacrificed more, and it was completely invalidated. The disclaimers you give right before the “but”, doesn’t cut it anymore, and all I have left are the things I left behind. I’m not sure if I’m in it just for the sake of being in it, or because I have convinced myself that I will actually be fulfilled someday. I hate the thought of quitting, accepting that I failed. But I’ve been here before, the point where it’s a one-sided relationship and it’s working only at my expense, and I can only go so long giving everything I have to receive nothing in return.
I’ll finish this one out- this one- because I don’t quit. I’ve committed to this season of my life and am held accountable to people other than myself, people who have invested in me and who depend on me. I would never take something unfortunate that happened to me and in turn, screw other people involved before I finished my time. So here’s to a good run, crew, but I’m through being your bitch.
Monday, March 3, 2008
helvetica
it was not until today that i realized that my intended career demanded me to, in a sense, change my persona- my way of going about things. i have never considered myself a very "anal" person, and yet here i am sitting in my art history class, growing progressively more annoyed at that fact that the text on my professor's slides weren't kerned correctly [letter spacing]. i found myself visualizing the words flipped upside down and just being horrified at the immense negative space between the "i" and the "l" in the word "will". completely uneven. karen, my typography professor, would have a heart attack.
in front of me lays the never-ending list of things i have yet to turn in and have yet to even complete. some have been due since the second week, some are due tomorrow. shoot me in the face. nannying once or twice a week doesn't exactly pay the phone bill, for groceries, and art supplies. with matte boards at $2.50 a piece and karen demanding needing at least 12 of them for both my typography and visual communications classes for part of my final project- not including paying for 2 of each composition to be printed, getting a 2-inch think notebook bound with all of my prelim sketches mounted on thick black construction paper, mounting a 2x3' poster on foamcore and writing a research paper on 6-8 design firms i am considering doing my internship for. i may need to start stealing from 7-11 when i end up eating meals there during 8-hour design sessions in the art center.
we watched the movie "helvetica" today in type- yes, the like font. it is literally everywhere. target, arco, american apparel, new york subway signs, adidas, sears, etc.. people rave about this font. true, it's very universal, and when you have no particular message to get across and no tone you want to convey your lack of a message with, then helvetica truly is the perfect font. but "explosion" written in helvetica does not explode, "third date" written in helvetica does not convince me that there is any chemistry to spark even the asking of the second date. it's not until you see the passion of the people before you in a certain field that it forces you to realize what you're getting yourself into.
in front of me lays the never-ending list of things i have yet to turn in and have yet to even complete. some have been due since the second week, some are due tomorrow. shoot me in the face. nannying once or twice a week doesn't exactly pay the phone bill, for groceries, and art supplies. with matte boards at $2.50 a piece and karen demanding needing at least 12 of them for both my typography and visual communications classes for part of my final project- not including paying for 2 of each composition to be printed, getting a 2-inch think notebook bound with all of my prelim sketches mounted on thick black construction paper, mounting a 2x3' poster on foamcore and writing a research paper on 6-8 design firms i am considering doing my internship for. i may need to start stealing from 7-11 when i end up eating meals there during 8-hour design sessions in the art center.
we watched the movie "helvetica" today in type- yes, the like font. it is literally everywhere. target, arco, american apparel, new york subway signs, adidas, sears, etc.. people rave about this font. true, it's very universal, and when you have no particular message to get across and no tone you want to convey your lack of a message with, then helvetica truly is the perfect font. but "explosion" written in helvetica does not explode, "third date" written in helvetica does not convince me that there is any chemistry to spark even the asking of the second date. it's not until you see the passion of the people before you in a certain field that it forces you to realize what you're getting yourself into.
Friday, February 29, 2008
a sonnet in the sun.
the sound of cars speeding by drown out the music blaring in my ears. i wish the sun would come back.
you were so peaceful when i left you this morning. i wish i cared more for you, that i'd allow myself to feel. i have too many thoughts racing through my mind to make room for the unnecessary things in life. maybe they are necessities, but not right now.
i scribble them down as they come as i wait for the bus to get to my stop. my hair is actually down and curled, and i'm wearing your favorite skirt. i'll be late again.
i just want it to be summer again. i felt in the summer- there was nothing to think about. we can wake up together and just talk, like how it was, and you can kiss me til we've wasted the whole day away. then maybe i'll start to miss you when you leave. maybe. i still don't know how i feel about you.
i'll wait at the lake for you to call, as my feet dangle in the water, and if you don't then that's fine. i'll let the sun dace across my face as my mind will wander elsewhere. i loved you first.
my music gets louder. i'll be deaf before age thirty, probably. and you. well, you won't remember my name.
you were so peaceful when i left you this morning. i wish i cared more for you, that i'd allow myself to feel. i have too many thoughts racing through my mind to make room for the unnecessary things in life. maybe they are necessities, but not right now.
i scribble them down as they come as i wait for the bus to get to my stop. my hair is actually down and curled, and i'm wearing your favorite skirt. i'll be late again.
i just want it to be summer again. i felt in the summer- there was nothing to think about. we can wake up together and just talk, like how it was, and you can kiss me til we've wasted the whole day away. then maybe i'll start to miss you when you leave. maybe. i still don't know how i feel about you.
i'll wait at the lake for you to call, as my feet dangle in the water, and if you don't then that's fine. i'll let the sun dace across my face as my mind will wander elsewhere. i loved you first.
my music gets louder. i'll be deaf before age thirty, probably. and you. well, you won't remember my name.
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